So I did in fact get my tattoo on Saturday, and I absolutely love it and have already started planning for the next one in a little over a month. If I can raise the money of course. In the mean time it is currently in that "holy cats this looks like shit and it HURTS!" phase of healing that I always forget sucks so very much. I'll survive, but in the mean time stay the fuck away from my arm!
I've taken the last two nights off of the cam site. I'm PMSing and the arm hurts and I just am not feeling it. If I could guarantee good sessions with nice people I might have put more effort into it, but I can't guarantee anything with that job, so instead I'm taking the time for myself and hoping that next week will be much much better.
The DUI ARD date was Monday. I found out I've been referred for DUI intervention group counseling and I don't know why. The only thing we can think of is that they believe I was lying through my teeth when I said the only alcohol I drank in the 30 days prior to the "event" was two glasses of wine at my mother-in-law's funeral. Even though that was the absolute truth. I do drink in moderation. Mostly at home. And I go months without any alcohol at all with no problems. I haven't been to a bar in six or seven YEARS. I had a bottle of vodka in my cabinet for four years before I finished it. I may have a glass of beer at night when I'm performing, but if I don't have it, I don't miss it. I don't actually have a drinking problem. I made a singular error in judgement after the worst month in my life. I admit that freely. I thought I had less to drink then I actually did, and I mistook my body signals.
The best part (not really) is that the group meets in the building in which I work for the telemarketing company. Can my life get any more fucked up?
Why yes, yes it can.
One of my cam friends has been mysteriously absent for a while. This was causing me some concern because I thought I had done something wrong and I truly enjoy his company. We have corresponded on email a few times and I always look forward to "seeing" him online. I found out today that his partner found out about me and it has caused serious issues in his relationship.
This makes me sad on many levels. On the selfish level it means I get denied positive interactions with someone I know will never make me feel cheap or whorish or used. On an intellectual level I feel like there was a chance for a relationship to be strengthened that may be missed depending on what happens on their end. And as a model it makes me feel like what I do is being seen as dirty or invasive by the partner.
Several years ago I found out my husband had been paying a decent chunk of change on a monthly basis for a subscription to a porn site. I remember having an absolute fit over the money that had been spent. I didn't care that he was looking at porn, it was the money that was the problem! Even now I've told him that if I can't be physical with him for whatever reason; sick, pain, period, mood issues...I don't care if he goes online to get off, as long as he's not getting off on some humiliation stuff, it isn't a problem.
To be fair, I come from a family where sexuality has always been discussed openly and honestly (maybe too honestly in some cases) but where I have been loved and supported when I came out as bisexual in college and where there is experience in swinging and alternative lifestyles and where I am not condemned for being a model. I fantasize about multiple partner situations and my husband and I have discussed it in preliminary ways, but mostly we've learned that honesty works. I know most, if not all of my members don't share what they do with me with their partners. I can't ask them to, and honestly, I wouldn't if it would mean losing them. But part of me wishes it was different. That these wives and girlfriends were willing to give their men the freedom to be with me openly. And that the men had the strength to do the same for their partners.
Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic for the fun I had with my friend. Also did I mention I'm PMSing and therefore a bit off tonight? Yeah, there's that too. Perhaps I should just cuddle with my heating pad and a cat or three and go to bed...
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