I've taken the last two nights off of the cam site. I'm PMSing and the arm hurts and I just am not feeling it. If I could guarantee good sessions with nice people I might have put more effort into it, but I can't guarantee anything with that job, so instead I'm taking the time for myself and hoping that next week will be much much better.
The DUI ARD date was Monday. I found out I've been referred for DUI intervention group counseling and I don't know why. The only thing we can think of is that they believe I was lying through my teeth when I said the only alcohol I drank in the 30 days prior to the "event" was two glasses of wine at my mother-in-law's funeral. Even though that was the absolute truth. I do drink in moderation. Mostly at home. And I go months without any alcohol at all with no problems. I haven't been to a bar in six or seven YEARS. I had a bottle of vodka in my cabinet for four years before I finished it. I may have a glass of beer at night when I'm performing, but if I don't have it, I don't miss it. I don't actually have a drinking problem. I made a singular error in judgement after the worst month in my life. I admit that freely. I thought I had less to drink then I actually did, and I mistook my body signals.
The best part (not really) is that the group meets in the building in which I work for the telemarketing company. Can my life get any more fucked up?
Why yes, yes it can.
One of my cam friends has been mysteriously absent for a while. This was causing me some concern because I thought I had done something wrong and I truly enjoy his company. We have corresponded on email a few times and I always look forward to "seeing" him online. I found out today that his partner found out about me and it has caused serious issues in his relationship.
This makes me sad on many levels. On the selfish level it means I get denied positive interactions with someone I know will never make me feel cheap or whorish or used. On an intellectual level I feel like there was a chance for a relationship to be strengthened that may be missed depending on what happens on their end. And as a model it makes me feel like what I do is being seen as dirty or invasive by the partner.
Several years ago I found out my husband had been paying a decent chunk of change on a monthly basis for a subscription to a porn site. I remember having an absolute fit over the money that had been spent. I didn't care that he was looking at porn, it was the money that was the problem! Even now I've told him that if I can't be physical with him for whatever reason; sick, pain, period, mood issues...I don't care if he goes online to get off, as long as he's not getting off on some humiliation stuff, it isn't a problem.
To be fair, I come from a family where sexuality has always been discussed openly and honestly (maybe too honestly in some cases) but where I have been loved and supported when I came out as bisexual in college and where there is experience in swinging and alternative lifestyles and where I am not condemned for being a model. I fantasize about multiple partner situations and my husband and I have discussed it in preliminary ways, but mostly we've learned that honesty works. I know most, if not all of my members don't share what they do with me with their partners. I can't ask them to, and honestly, I wouldn't if it would mean losing them. But part of me wishes it was different. That these wives and girlfriends were willing to give their men the freedom to be with me openly. And that the men had the strength to do the same for their partners.
Maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic for the fun I had with my friend. Also did I mention I'm PMSing and therefore a bit off tonight? Yeah, there's that too. Perhaps I should just cuddle with my heating pad and a cat or three and go to bed...
If you aren't familiar with the term, male privilege refers to the sociological benefits and privileges men have as an inherent part of being men. The highest level of this is of course seen in cis gendered white men in our (American) society.
What this means to women is that being male in this society is considered the default and therefore women, or non-typically gendered men are at an immediate disadvantage. It means men are raised to believe that women are always available for them, that their needs come first and that they know, are, will always be, best.
A good example of male privilege is rape prevention.
Women are indoctrinated from a young age that they can't wear this, do that, go there, drink that, act like that, think like this... Or they might be raped.
Are boys ever taught not to rape with the same intensity? If a women reports her sexual assault, her entire life is laid bare for the world to examine just in case she is a whore or a liar or an evil seductress, or might have been "asking for it." But the man's life is protected and he is sheltered "innocent until proven guilty" even though the victim is considered guilty of something because otherwise she wouldn't have been raped.
What. The. Fuck?
On the cam site I know the men are there to get off to whatever floats their fancy, but, that doesn't mean they can disregard what I have put in my profile and room topic and demand that I do something for them just because that's what they want in the moment. And yet, that is exactly what happens more than I like. And even though I am upfront and honest about what I do and don't do, I get penalized by men who are unhappy that I'm not willing to drop all my barriers just for them. Especially since 99% of the time, they are making these demands in my free chat room, haven't even paid me, but assume because I am a cam model, I'm some sort of virtual fuck toy they can manipulate and play with as they wish.
It does not work that way.
I am a complete person. I have total autonomy over my own body and even though I perform masturbatory acts online does not mean I have given up ownership of my body. Even my own husband forgets this sometimes and will grab or grope at inappropriate times because he is horny and he hasn't thought about what his action will do to me. My husband is liberal and progressive, and still tends to think that what he wants trumps all, even if he isn't aware that's how he is acting!
I was having fun on the cam site there for a while, but lately it has been very very hard. I'm not making enough money and it seems too many members want a free show and get offended if I won't bend and spread and flash and whatever for free, or even worse they throw $2.00 "Gold" at me ($0.70 to me) and expect me to be so grateful I'll do virtually anything to thank them. And people wonder why sometimes it is damn hard for me to be there and occassionally I feel really cheap and used.
I had a not terrible night last and I'm hoping this is the start of a turnaround and soon I will be back to $200.00+ weeks. One can hope...
Woke up this morning late for church and while brushing my teeth I puked in the sink. Yup. Hacking and gagging bile, out of nowhere. Decided it wasn't a good idea to go to church. Then I found out the Hubby also wasn't feeling well, so we had to disappoint our wildflower child and stay home. Broke my heart to hear her yelling "I want to go to church TODAY!" Over and over at her Daddy. She did settle down and have a good day while I slept for hours, dreaming about things eating my stomach.
I did get tattooed yesterday and I absolutely love the result. The artist was outstanding and personable and very sweet. I'm already thinking about the next one because it was such a positive experience. And no my stomach troubles are not related to the tattoo.
Tomorrow is the day I go to court and hand over my license. I have to be at the courthouse at 8:00am, so even if I was feeling okay I wouldn't be performing tonight. In spite of sleeping all day, I also need to sleep tonight so I can get the child and myself up super early tomorrow. Then I have to clean my house for visitors on Tuesday. Ugh. At least I managed to get the diapers washed today.
I am hoping working on the cam site improves soon because I really need the money and can't take the rejection much longer. Maybe the new tattoo and the high heels and thigh highs I should get soon will help...
I have an appointment at 1:30pm on Saturday to be tattooed for the first time since 2007. I'm so excited I can barely sit still, this is the first really big thing I've done for myself in as long as I can remember and I cannot wait!
The tattoo will probably be about 3.5" across and on my inner right forearm. I'll be sure to post photos when it is done.
I'm online at the cam site, staring at an empty room with handles just logged on and off without a comment. I can feel my heartrate accelerating with panic, my skin get shinnier and my hair look greasier with each passing moment. I'm wearing a purple bra and panty and soft open jackety thing that shows off my tattooed chest. My lips are stained red, cheeks are rouged, it doesn't matter...
Just had a potential show and screwed it up. I screw everything up. I'm just so fucking fragile right now and want someone to want to be nice to me. Not to be made to feel like a dirty slut. I wouldn't be online at all tonight if I didn't feel how desperately we need the money, which just makes me feel more like a whore.
I can feel my pulse. It feels red and black and pounding and quaking and I want to sign off. I want a friend to show up and want me. I want to be appreciated. Need to be loved, if only for a little while...
So I got to work almost half an hour early tonight just because I needed to move. Tomorrow the Hubby and I have a meeting with a credit counselor because it is required by the bank to try and avoid the foreclosure. Yesterday Hubby met with my father and they went over all our financials trying to determine if this ship is salvageable. I went with the wildflower child and my step-mother to my step-grandfather's house for an informal and chaotic family gathering.
I started drinking red wine at 2:00pm.
To be fair and honest I only had three glasses in four hours, but it was certainly steady consumption.
The Hubby showed up at the party right before dinner and handed me his atm card. Apparently part of the agreement with my father is that he gets $40/week and I hold the atm cards and checkbooks. Reasonable, but still stressful.
We had a very nice dinner, but even better got to see the wildflower child interact with her favorite people and just run and play and squeal and be a happy and delightful child. I wish I could give her that more often, she is so outgoing and social.
Hubby was frankly wonderful all day. Even gave me the chance to take a nap when we got home, and had a snack of fresh popcorn when I got up. But I'm still so damn stressed out I have trouble reciprocating right now. And eventually I had to go downstairs to try to make money.
At which point I dran two Guinnesses in quick succession.
Saturday night hadn't been great for me, but last night was my worst night ever. By the end of two hours I was choking back tears of frustration and rage and self loathing as I felt for the first time in a long time like a $2.00 whore. "Show me bb...Bend over bb...Maybe bb..." Asshole after asshole wanting a free show or sneak peek last night, laughing off my comments that nothing in life is free, or just looking and leaving, erroding my self confidence with each silent judgement and exit. By the end my throat was on fire and stomach roiling and I wanted to scream "What the fuck am I doing wrong?" I wanted to email my favorite playmates and beg them to come see me, just to cheer me up but I'm afriad I've overstepped my bounds and might turn them off. I wanted to curl up under the blankets and cry myself to sleep.
I'm 37-years-old. I'm not stick thin with fake tits and a spray tan and I'm not willing to do anal or humiliation or incest roleplay. I hate myself enough already after nights like this, I don't need to add to the shit pile.
I have friends who hang out with me almost every night in Free chat and they never fail to offer suggestions; masturbate obviously but under the cam line of site, sit around topless, keep a log of on and offsite orgasms to make members want to help me out, "drag the money out of them" when they take me private, drink alcohol on cam...On and on, suggestions from men who have paid plenty of other women do do whatever, who pay into "gold shows" to see models who don't care about being basically anonymous porn performers do whatever they are told to do, men who never get told to bend over and show their fat ass and shake it. Men who say they love my personality, but spend their money elsewhere and then tell me about it.
I can't quit camming, but all day today I just keep thinking "I don't know if I can do this..." I can't feel like this every day and I sure as hell can't make only $7.00 a night. To top that I had gotten a Skype session on Saturday with a long time regular who promised to set up a PayPal account to pay me yesterday. Still haven't been paid for that. (Did receive payment as of 9:00pm Monday, so that is excellent and helps a lot!)
All I can do is hope something changes soon because I'm actually nauseated with the stress and fear and rejection. I'm not even wearing eyeliner or mascara tonight, which is unheard if, because I keep tearing up and don't want it to run.
I'm sitting quietly at the table in my step grandfather's chaotic kitchen while step aunts and uncles have forty-nine simultaneous conversations on the other end of the room. I have almost finished one glass of red wine, have chopped garlic and peeled celery and eaten a lot of organic black olives.
The wildflower child is outside with her cousins, running ripshod through the cold wind and thin sunshine, having mor fun than she has all week. When she pops by for a sip of water her cheeks are red and her eyes are bright. I love how much the family loves her. So glad she has these friends.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch... The Hubby and my father are back at my parents' house going over our financials trying to figure out if we can save the house. The last time we did this I ended up sobbing and hiccuping at the table. I'm so grateful that I can be here, instead of there. I don't think I could handle it right now. I know part of the recommendation will again be to get rid of the cats.
I just want this to be over. To have a home I can afford, to have a home I can be secure in, to be done with the DUI bullshit. I just want to be able to sleep and not fight monsters in my dreams.
I finished my glass of wine and am now drinking a soda. Next will be another glass of wine.
Sometimes when I'm so stressed I can't think, I get horny. Like crazy, fuck me now in the elevator (no I haven't done that) HORNY! I'm seriously considering taking this sexual frustration and aggression out on the Hubby even though he is a major part of what is causing my stress. Maybe then he'd leave me alone for a while and I might have an orgasm or two.
With my luck, he'll be asleep by the time I get home.
It is official, I have lost 20lbs since August. I've lost 8-10 of those since I started on the cam site. And 6 of those in the last week.
No, I haven't joined a gym or started an exercise program. This is entirely related to stress and changed eating habits. Mostly, I'm rarely hungry and I'm trying to eat healthier, low calorie, options when and if I am hungry.
I do drink a fuckton of coffee while at the telemarketing job and I never use sugar. I need to drink more water. I should exercise. I did use my hula hoop the other day, but my daughter always wants to use it too and I'm afraid of hitting her with it while spinning. I also tend to use the stairs instead of the iffy elevator at work.
Does vigorous masturbation count as exercise? In which case I suppose I do have a program.
Last night was the worst earning night I have had on the can site yet. I made $9.00 in three hours. How's that for a slam to the ego? I have gotten desperate in the early morning hours and emailed friendly members asking if they are available. Besides the financial loss I'm experiencing, emotionally I've become doubtful and hesitant. Tense and nervous and I think it is coming through on the site.
I don't know how to turn this around. I've tried different outfits, new hairstyles and makeup, even told members that I was horny and demanded that someone take me private. I know I need to get new members taking me private and hopefully becoming regulars, but I really miss some of my favorite playmates. With all the shit going on in my life, they are wonderful, easy, delightful, stress relief. And I like them as people too.
It really does not help that my telemarketing job is for a mortgage bank. Yes, while I am fighting foreclosure, I am trying to interest people in refinancing their mortgage with my company. This is crazy making.
Ther is also a friend who I haven't seen in months and is continuously posting glowing things about the fabulous developments in her life on facebook who wants to visit. This is a person who once complained to me that she had no money in the bank and her marriage was falling apart, but she refused to give up her kegs of beer or go back to work. She also advised me to leave my husband while his mother was going through chemo. And posted on facebook during the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy that it was a shame her house was such a mess so she couldn't invite over friends with toddlers (me) to get a hot shower and warm up.
I don't really want to see her.
But her daughter and mine are very good friends, and it would benefit the wildflower child to play with a friend as I've been getting increasingly grumpy lately.
I am also very frustrated with the Hubby lately. We are speeding toward the deadlines for the Act 91 letter and he's been dragging his feet getting information together until I flipped out on him yesterday. I'm angry with him. So much of what we are going through is a result of his selfish and self serving behavior. He is a recovering alcoholic and this is typical, but I'm never sure what o can believe or depend on with him and times like this it is so hard for me to see anything but disaster when I look at him.
Maybe tomorrow will be different, but tonight, all I want is a friendly person to call me perfect and a Goddess and play with me and fantasize to multiple, mutually satisfying orgasms. while helping out my bank account...
Because tonight I was pretty sure I looked hot. And I felt pretty damn sexy and fun. And I did pretty damn poorly.
I'm really missing some of my friendly regulars. I've had a rough week and could really use some enjoyable time with people I actually sort of know and like. And yes, this is me feeling sorry for myself. But I'm apparently an oddity in the cam world. I actually work on being friendly and intimate with the people who come into my room. I feel as though I've made real friends and strong connections with some people who may have only stopped by initially to get off, but now come by because they actually like me. And I like them. And I appreciate them so much in comparison to the Joes who just fly through looking for a free show.
Although to be honest, the worst are the ones who take me private, get me going right to the edge of orgasm, and leave. Leaving me to have to stop and get dressed and put back together in 30 seconds. That's just mean.
Other than this blog, I barely write at all. I used to keep journals for my daughter for when she is older, but the last one has been neglected for months. The only thing I write other than this blog, is sex. I don't even keep most of it. Just type scorching hot seduction and copulation scenarios that smolder and flame and would put most "erotic romance" scenes to shame. I should really write a book, but I can't seem to come up with an actual story. Or characters. Or anything other then the actual act of sexual encounter. And as good as they are, they aren't enough to sell anything. Maybe something for Penthouse Forum, but not a serious writing career.
I need to find a way to link my skill at writing passion and longing and orgasmic fucking, to writing about people and issues that draw a reader into an entire world. And yet somehow, with all the studying I did a lifetime ago, I have forgotten how to do that.
I should also be drawing and painting again. I was privately trained in my youth in watercolour and oil paint and drawing and photography. Now I snap pics with my smartphone and edit them with apps and call it done.
I was recently introduced to some really outstanding ambient electronic music, and after listening to "Ouraborus" several times on Homework Vol. 1 I came up with the seeds of several ideas for drawings and/or paintings. Things involving combinations of realism and zen doodling, and blue and silver and light and maybe feathers...
Guess I should just do it eh? Write, and draw and paint. Create. Just keep doing it and in the doing learn and in the learning grow and in the growing find myself... In that case I should get to bed and try to not be a walking zombie every day during daylight hours.
If anyone actually comments on this post, I will provide examples of my sex scenes.
I was brought to an almost spontaneous orgasm by the arrival of a package from Amazon.com on my doorstep.
Yes, my copy of "Warm Bodies" is here. (I have the non-theatrical cover, but I couldn't find a link to that one anymore.) I know that the second I open those pages, I will be lost to the world, so I'm being good and waiting. But I don't know how long that can last.
I did finally get my period. And yes it was early. And I thought I was going to die on Monday from lethargy and yesterday during the day from cramps. I don't understand why now that I'm 37-years-old, the pain is as bad as it was when I was a teenager and would vomit from the cramps or do something stupid like take 22 Tylenol in one day because the agony was so excruciating I lost count.
In spite of the inconvenience and cramps, I knew I had to figure out a way to not lose so much time each month on the cam site due to my period. So I did some research. For years I have used a menstrual cup and washable pads during my period. Yes, I'm that crunchy. Come on, it isn't like I have the money to flush down the toilet! And yes, we cloth diaper too. So initially I was thinking about going back to sea sponge tampons while I was performing, but I was concerned that if they got overfull they could leak in the middle of a session. NOT SEXY! Unless you are either into, or not turned off by, menstruation. However I have a feeling that's a rather small population. I decided to try the Instead Softcup. Many many reviews said that in spite of the packaging, even the original ones are reusable, and a box of 14 showed as being generally less than $6.00, way less than the $15.00-$18.00 for two or three sea sponge tampons. So I sent a text to the Hubby asking for him to check out CVS on his way home. Being the awesome Hubby that he is, he was fine with it.
Yesterday I went about my day as usual for a Tuesday, meaning I didn't do much. I made a hot apple breakfast for my daughter, and then snoozed on the daybed for several hours. And this was after taking Monday night off completely because of the period thing. Lethargy is a major issue for me most of the time due to my vertigo and totally fucked sleep schedule, but during my period it can get almost paralyzing. If I ever manage to get a doctor, I will be investigating this. Anyway, I did go to the telemarketing job and about halfway through my shift I started to feel better. I knew that I wanted to work, and play, when I got home.
When I got home, the Wildflower Child was already asleep and the Hubby was relaxing watching TV. I went to the bathroom and immediately changed my clothing, but more importantly, changed out my Lunette Cup to an Instead Softcup. It is a totally different little thing and was a bit challenging to get used to. But because I've been using alternative menstrual products for over ten years, that challenge lasted approximately a minute. And then I felt nothing. I went out the living room and started teasing my husband. The next thing I knew we were both naked with a bunch of toys and I was having some truly awesome orgasms. I don't think I've ever had sex on the second day of my period before and it was interesting to note that I have some trouble tightening my vaginal muscles. I don't know if that is psychological, or a physiological part of the menstrual process. Eventually I was able to tighten a bit and I had a wonderful deep orgasm and felt very ready to go to work.
The softcup did not leak at all during intercourse. It does leak a bit during urination, which was noted in the literature, but all I had to do was clean up and any leaking stopped. So I was good to go.
I wasn't sure how my performance would go, but I had to get online, for so many reasons. Turns out, I needn't have worried. I had a full room, a lot of wonderful friendly handles, and best of all I was able to work out an alternative arrangement with one of my very favorite members. Basically, I felt delightfully wicked and sexy and got the positive feedback of which I've grown so fond.
Like I keep saying, I may be going down in flames, but I'm going down fighting and having fun.
Oh and the new toy's name is "Chris."
So I said "Fuck it" and took tonight off. Watched an episode of "The Walking Dead" with Hubby for the third time, ate an entire bag of microwave popcorn and then decided I needed a bath.
A bath for me is a production. It requires accesories and preparation. I do not just sit in hot water and call it done. The room must be comfortably warm, there should be incense and/or candles. If I have it, bath oils or bubbles. A cold drink of some sort. And either music or a great book or both. Because it was late and the wildflower child was asleep, I opted for book only.
Also some waterproof toys, just in case.
I chose for my book "American Gods" by the incomparable Neil Gaiman. I have read it before, but felt that at this stage in my life I needed to feel close to the AllFather, wicked and tricky as he can be, and Gaiman gives me that closeness. Also the worst of my days have yet to suck quite as much as Shadow's tend to...
My drink was a wonderfully sweet sparkling cider with a generous splash of creme de cassis, creating a blood red sparkling cocktail of mild alcholic content.
Incense was a mellow patchouli with undertones of sandalwood.
Toys were "Sweet" and the new dildo who has yet to be officially named and a suction cup attatchment for him.
I'm very glad that I opted for the bath instead of going downstairs. At about 11:30pm, my daughter woke up crying and I was able to minister to her immediately. She dropped back to sleep in less then ten minutes and I returned to the still hot water and gripping novel. Eventually I realized I did want to use my toys and tried out some new methods for stress relief that I will incorporate into future bath times.
I always feel guilty taking time off for myself, especially since soon enough I won't have a choice in the matter when I get my period. But it had to be done. And now I am clean, and somewhat satiated and I might even be able to get to sleep before 3:00am. What a concept.
I am now having arguments with my father-in-law in my dreams.
No wonder I try to avoid going to sleep. I'm either being forceably evicted from my home, being judged by my father-in-law, fleeing some horror through a labyrinthian structure or being cruely mocked by faceless strangers for every real and perceived mistake and flaw in my life. Having a very vivid imagination is a great thing when writing sex scenes or talking dirty. It is a fucking curse when it fuels your nightmares for 3 decades or so.
All week I've been staying up until at least 5:00am hoping to see friendly "faces" online to boulster my self confidence as I get closer and closer to the end of this month and the horrors that come with that. My DUI court date is the 28th and the end of the month is the deadline for paying off our mortgage delinquency, which can't happen.
Just typing that sentence made my head spin and ears ring. My chest and stomach hurt. And here I am waiting to get on the phone at the telemarketing job and I just want to puke.
I have a new dildo waiting for me at home that I was so excited to buy, and I have virtually no inspiration to use it but I do need to get online.
It would be so easy to blame my mood on hormones as I am due for my period in a few days, but I believe I'm entitled to be freaking the hell out. This is a very difficult time for us to be going though, and I'm tired. Hell I can't even find a babysitter so the Hubby and I can go see "The Hobbit" at a fancy movie theater with my parents. I work, I work, I sleep while my child watches TV or plays, and I work again. I need a break, I need some fun, I need hope.
So I'm still terrified most of the time. It is my normal state of being after years of financial insecurity and now this foreclosure hanging over my head. But regardless of that, I know my family loves me, my daughter is happy and healthy, my cats are pretty damn awesome, and I'm having the time of my life as a cam model/blogger/sex toy shopper. Who knew a few orgasms a day could improve one's life so dramatically?
I want to believe that this year will be better. That I will finally get some security and safety. That everything that has been rotting my stomach and giving me heart palpitations will be gone. I'm tired of it. I think that if we could just pay our bills and expenses, and have a little left over for saving and entertainment, we would absolutely thrive as a family. And with Hubby's career track on the road it is, and my cam work going so well, that could happen, if we are just given a chance.
I refuse to make resolutions in the new year, but I certainly strive at all times to learn from my mistakes, better myself intellectually and emotionally, be a better partner and mother, and enjoy life as it is. I am hoping that with the new developments in my life, and the cathartic process that is this blog, I will be able to achieve my goals and continue to grow as a person.