Came to a realization tonight. One that had been building quietly in the back of my mind for quite a while. Managed to express it to a friend and really wish I hadn't.

No one has ever truly been in love with me.

People have said they love me. Probably even cared deeply. But there has never been a single person who put me first in their life. Who's primary goal was to be my partner and help me be happier. No one.

I know there are those who would protest and express devotion and adoration or deep friendship... But they will never be a partner to me.

I'm am almost 40-years-old. And I've never been truly loved by a romantic partner. I have loved. Deeply. Passionately. Insanely. I have spent the majority of my day trying to think of ways to make my Love happy.

I'm a fairly decent person. But there must be something inherently wrong with me.

I'm pretty sure ultimately, I'm going to be alone. And that terrifies me.