I am very blessed in this stage of my life. I know this with all my being. My daughter is healthy and happy. My family took me in with open arms. I have friends coming out of the woodwork to encourage and support me.
And I'm lonely.
At 11:30 PM and 5:00 AM I'm reminded that there is not one person in this world who puts me first. I know I'm loved. And grateful for it. But I can't reach out in the darkness to find a person, or people, who will be reaching out to me.
My marriage taught me not to depend on a partner. But nothing can take away the yearning to be the reason someone reaches out. The people I care about and who care about me don't have the ability or desire to put me first. And most of the time I can understand that. But these dark hours grind away at me.
I've been fighting so hard lately to keep the fear at bay. And there are so many words of support. But no arms. No lips to kiss away the tears of shame and rage. Too many busy lives and primary obligations.
So I'll stare at the stars again tonight and listen to the breeze and traffic. And wonder if anyone is thinking about me tonight.