Around the same time that I was physically starting to have issues, people I met through the cam modeling and had become close to, started to disappear. Some for various lengths of time, and I understand life gets in the way of having internet encounters, and some permanently. I have of course made new connections in the ensuing time, which makes me wonder sometimes what someone must be thinking to meet me in the midst of my effectively brain damaged and perpetually confused state and still want to get to know me. That is pretty special. That these people, who start out as complete strangers who, come on, are surfing around a sex site, stumble on to me and something clicks. They make the effort, through words on a screen, to convey caring, compassion, yes attraction, but more than that, an appreciation of what they see beneath my tattooed and pierced and scarred flesh. That is a gift. A very important part of why I continue to try and get back into working almost every night on the cam site.
It may seem like I'm just addicted to the attention. And yes, my personal sexual fantasies lean toward the "being worshipped" or "being the center of the scene" type scenarios, but I believe that my attraction to what these people give me is more about healing than sex. More about soothing old wounds and building new emotional pathways than just being a narcissist.
First of all, I truly have always believed that monogamy isn't all it is cracked up to be. Yes, I've been faithfully monogamous to my husband since 1997. Do I think this is a natural state? Not really. I've always felt like human beings have so many facets to our personalities that one person, no matter how seemingly perfect, can satisfy everything we want from interpersonal relationships. Not just sexually, but intellectually and emotionally as well. I'm blessed to have a best friend who has many of the same likes and dislikes that I do, so I have someone with whom to talk movies and music when my husband has turned off my Pandora station and scoffed at my love of werewolf movies. But I have a lot of interests, and issues.
If you've read some of my more brutally honest previous posts, you know that I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, college rape and generally being taken advantage of. So it is both a bit surprising, and terrifyingly stereotypical that I am now a sex worker. Why would I put myself in a position to be abused, even via text or verbally if they use sound or phone when I have worked so hard to get passed those experiences? Because I have been treated amazingly by some people who for whatever reason were surfing a cam site, and found me, and started to care.
I'm not looking to steal anyone's boyfriend or husband. I'm not looking to replace my husband (most of the time). But to be given this gift of kindness (and of course financial gifts as well), and appreciation... By men who obviously have sex on the brain but don't just devolve into brutish behavior just because they are horny? This proves that abuse is not the default behavior. That I can be treated with dignity and respect, even when naked and writhing, or sitting in lingerie and impossible heels, that I don't automatically have to suffer because I'm a woman, or a cam model or a sex worker, or not physically "perfect" or particularly young.
Also getting paid to have orgasms, who wouldn't want that job? (Of course it doesn't always work out that way, but a woman can dream can't I?)
I'm trying to balance being a good mother, partner, and friend and figure out how to increase my earnings on the cam site and my lead numbers as a telemarketer. And honestly, I have no idea how to do this.
If you have any suggestions on how to juggle everyone's feelings and make myself more alluring to the cam members and make people I talk to on the phone immediately go for our offer, let me know. Because I'm out of ideas.
I'm almost weaned off of Topamax, my first attempt at a daily treatment for the migraine part of my combination headache syndrome. If you've read my previous posts, you know it really didn't work. Not only didn't it work, it made me very ill, mentally confused and has caused some transitory tachycardia as I wean off. I'm very much looking forward to being free of this poison. In the mean time I've been taking 3mg of immediate release melatonin between 10 and 11pm every night for a week and I'm feeling a world better. Still some headaches, but still, so much better.
I'm trying to regain my mojo on the cam as I get back to myself. I've lost members for various reasons over the last few months. Dumped for his wife, busted by girlfiend, busted by wife, working crazy hours, simply disappeared... I've made new friends online, some willing to just keep me company, which is always appreciated, some which I hope will be generous in other ways. I tend to shortchange myself if I'm not careful. I have to remember that ultimately, I do need material gain... Besides, that adds some spice. Doesn't it?
That being said, I'm probably not working tonight. For some reason Friday and Saturday nights tend to be awkward anyway, but with my health so iffy I should just relax and gorge on sexy Canadian television.
I've just discovered "Lost Girl" on Netflix and it makes me happy...