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Disposable

I'm having a sad day.

I was feeling rather strong and resilient for a while, and then something, I know not what, tipped me over to an emotion a bit softer than despair, a bit sharper than melancholy.

I've lost another friend.

Maybe he's reading this and hating me for sharing.

I share. It is how I cope. How I remind myself I'm real. So many of my interactions are online, semi-anonymous, virtual. But they are still real. I am real.

I am feeling disposable again. And once again, I understand. Always understanding, always left wondering why I attract people who find it so easy to hurt me. My husband lashes out at me when he feels like he failed in some way. A friend hurls insults. A kindred spirit walks away without a moment of remorse. Members who proclaim deepest attraction disappear without warning.

I am disposable. My friendship, is disposable.

It is a side effect of doing what I do as a cam model and being outside of the mainstream. I am "other." And if I'm not part of the in crowd, it is so easy, so very easy, to forget that I have feelings.

I will not delete this post. It is how I feel in this moment. Like all the abandonments I've experienced are crashing over me again. I am tired, and can't sleep. Lonely, and don't want to be around anyone.

I am sad.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be less sad.

Thinking in the car...

My ride into work, which is between 20 and 30 minutes long depending on traffic, is one of the few times I'm completely alone and I have a habit of sinking into my own thoughts.

It is only Tuesday and I can say this week just is not going as well as last week. I haven't heard from a few friends that in the past would respond when I reached out. One has been silent for just over a week, another for a few weeks, and yet another for several days. I am almost physically restraining myself from assuming the worst, that I've been discarded yet again. But in silent moments in the car, the wave of loneliness crashes over me and I feel abandoned by friends I had allowed myself to become dependent upon.

I can't even discuss what has transpired with another friend. But it feels like loss.

I still don't know what my husband's DUI blood test will reveal. And that hangs over my head like Poe's deadly pendulum.

I don't always show it, but I feel things deeply, become attached firmly, and fear abandonment. Probably not the best emotional profile for a cam model, but no one is perfect.

The superstitious part of me hopes that if I express my concerns openly, I'll find emails in my inbox tonight. I'll try not to hope too hard...

Projections

We all project ideas of what we want from others onto them. Sometimes those projections match up and we get exactly what we expected. On other occasions we don't, and the disconnect can be jarring and painful.

I complain about humanity fairly regularly, but I actually like people. I like making new friends and being involved in interpersonal relationships. I enjoy the back and forth between people. I suppose I'm social.

In the last few months or so I've made a conscious effort to be more social, get out of my house, be involved in communities. I still have a long way to go, but I've met more "real world" people since April then I had in the previous year. I do not believe it is a weakness to enjoy the company of friends. And still, because of the nature of my life and my jobs, the vast majority of people I meet are online. They are still quite "real" to me and I do make connections that matter. As you can see from previous posts. I don't really hide much about who I am when I'm on cam. Some aspects may be tweaked, and of course I'm not giving out my physical address or phone number to any member who asks. But personality wise, I am what you see. Sometimes I have to paste on a smile if my heart is breaking, or feign interest in a topic that's just not my thing, but doesn't offend me, but that's a part of the job and I don't feel that it diminishes me as a person to do those things.

I believe many people meet me on the cam site with expectations of what I am and I either fit those expectations, or don't. My ability or not to fit someone else's idea of what I should be, is not my responsibility.

I have adapted a lot of aspects of my behavior and personality over the years as my choice to make my life better. But I have no obligation to change in order to ease another's discomfort with my reality. And I cannot force another to change to suit mine. Of course in relationships we adjust to each other out of love and affection and giving. That is a willing change, a giving change, a gift of grace, and I do not resent the changes I have made in myself based on those inspirations. But I won't be forced into a mould I don't fit for another person's convenience.

I am currently dealing with the issues of my marriage and wondering if my husband is capable of healing and being entirely the man I see sometimes. I want him to change aspects of his behavior and how he treats us. But I can't force him to do so. He will, out of his own desire to be whole, or he won't. And we will deal with the consequences either way. That needs to be my focus. I hope I have friends who love me and can support me while I'm going through this, but if needed, I'll do it alone, I have before.

I'm not angry now. I am sad. I am sad about so many things in my life at this moment. I am sad that my love isn't enough for some people. I am sad that I seem to attract abuse. I am sad. I hope that tomorrow I am less sad.

So... Censorship

I really don't like being told what I can and cannot say or write or think. And I do my best to avoid putting that restriction on other people. There are exceptions, because of course I'm a hypocrite, for instance, don't use "rape" as a joke or lightly with me. It isn't funny, it isn't a type of consensual sex, and it makes me sick. I would rather people not tell me what I'm thinking, I tend to react negatively to that and try my hardest not to tell others what I think they are thinking.

I've been censoring myself lately and I don't like it. I have a feeling even expressing this discomfort will be a problem, but I'm done.

I'm Kir, I'm a semi-public entity, I write a blog. I have tattoos, piercings, a brand, a thing for attachment parenting, respectful control games, body rituals and vegetarianism. I'm bisexual, don't like monogamy and speak my mind. I prefer being sober to not. I would rather find natural or non-pharmacological treatments to my health issues if possible, but I'll take my medications when I have to. I love zombie stories, would fuck Isaac Marion in a heartbeat and think Rick from "The Walking Dead" TV show needs to die. I am a sentimental fool and hold onto people and memories much too long sometimes.

I only say "No" when I mean it.

Take me as I am, or not. I'm getting stronger and healthier and more "me" every day and I'm very proud of my accomplishments and who I am. And I'm very willing to share my enjoyment and joy with friends who love me.

Trying to move on...

Nothing has been resolved with the husband. Nothing ever is. I do love him when he is the man he could be all the time. He can be funny, gentle, kind, giving, attentive. Unfortunately for a long time he's been more mean, selfish, dishonest, mercurial and ugly than the good things. But I am a victim of Hope and keep staying calm and moving on.

In spite of everything, I went to work on Saturday, did not do well at all, but then I had my Summer Solstice party Saturday evening and that was great. I wish I could spend time with these friends more often, but even once a month or so is so rejuvenating.

Everyone looks good in the dark, and by candlelight.

Look at me, completely relaxed.

Today I was so tired, I had to have Hubby get V ready to get picked up for her day with my family while I tried to sleep just a little longer before my meeting. What was my state's chapter of the Modified Dolls has just decided to break off and become our own local non-profit and today was the first meeting of the "Tattooed, Not Heartless" organization. We will be modified individuals working to raise funds and awareness for local charities while working to erase the negative stereotypes associated with body modification.

Then I met my family for some time at my aunt's house and had way too much dessert after dinner. But hey. I haven't been eating enough for days.

I still don't know what to believe. I am waiting for the results of my husband's blood draw to determine how much I can believe him. But at least I still have friends who love me, a daughter who is amazing, the cutest cats in the world. Seriously. And some damn fine ink.

And now I have to go to bed. My new tattoo is annoyed with me and wants me to go lay down with my arm straight so the ink doesn't come out. It is in the crook of my elbow. Because I'm a nut.

Good night world.

I love you.

No makeup

I didn't wear makeup to work today. Hell, I didn't even wear a belt and my jeans are falling off my ass. Didn't style my hair. Didn't make any effort to be seen.

Yesterday, I dressed to the hilt in rocker chick black, velvet platform sandals, plaid sparkly fedora, perfect makeup. I felt like a goddess. I know I'm not perfect, but it didn't matter, I looked good because I felt great.

Today, I want to disappear.

I have friends coming over in about three hours to eat, celebrate the beginning of summer, and just enjoy each other's company.

I am dreading this. But I know their love will help, even though I can't really talk about what is wrong.

The house is clean, food is made, lavender iced tea is brewing. Soon I will have to take a shower, and do my hair and makeup. But right now I am blank, naked, bare.

This is me. Just me.

What exactly is "Family?"

I was having a fantastic day yesterday. One of those days where you think "wow, how did I get so lucky?" I had fun with a friend, then got tattooed by my adorable and talented tattoo artist who is doing the butterfly sleeve on my right arm. I didn't break anything when I fell off my platform sandals. Life was golden and wonderful. I was sitting on my back deck (not nearly as luxurious as you think, small, old and splintery, but comfortable), having a Guinness and listening to music and the sounds of birds and my small waterfall while playing on my tablet when the music stuttered on my phone. I looked at it and saw "Missed Call from (Hubby)."

I called back and it wasn't my husband who answered. It was Officer Ididn'tcatchhisname. My husband had been arrested on suspicion of DUI and I had to go pick him up from the processing center.

It took a ridiculously long time for me to get the directions from the pleasant sounding officer because my brain was broken. You may feel that since I am just a stone's throw away from being clear of my ARD for my DUI last year, that it is hypocritical of me to feel deeply betrayed and terrified. But my husband and I have vastly different histories. For instance, I never spent hours hiding in bars getting drunk and lying to him about where I was. I have never brought us to the brink of financial ruin over and over by hiding the realities of our situation from him. I have never lied consistently and with alacrity about almost every facet of my existence. Including at least one, possibly two court matters in the last few years. I am not an alcoholic. He is.

He said he went out for a burger and had a beer because he was, "angry" and felt "abandoned by (his) family." His grandmother just died this week in a southern state and he had no interest in going to the funeral. I supported that decision because we can't afford it, I wouldn't go, and the family that would be there is batshit crazy.

If he had wanted to go, I would have figured out a way to send him. But he didn't, so I supported his struggle to tell his father that he wasn't going.

What family abandoned him?

The father that got into a screaming match with him in a parking lot over what thing he would give my son after my mother-in-law died?

The grandmother that was so old and back country no one knows how old she was, and was a raging racist?

The uncle that I can't be around because in 16 years he has never once treated me with the respect and civility I have always shown him.

The cousins that bitch about how the world is ending because the Boy Scouts won't descriminate agains (minor) gays?

Or the wife who sometimes worries about our stability and future, but has never lied, has controlled my temper, adjusted my way of speaking too him, made myself sexually available, taken jobs that allow us to keep our daughter out of daycare, and in general supported him every fucking step of the way.

So what does "family" mean anyway?

I can't even talk about him calling me "bitch" last night.

What more can I do?

Viking funeral for a vibe?

So Sweet died this week.

If you recall from my previous post Why name sex toys? Sweet was a purple vibrator that I absolutely loved. In fact he became my "go to" vibe of choice either alone or with other toys or with Hubby. I loved this vibe. It was purple and waterproof and had variable speeds and almost never used up all the battery power before I was a shaking, sodden, limp rag of pleasure.

I used Sweet on Sunday night, quite a bit, and then went to change the batteries. They were stuck. I had to sort of bang the base against my hand to shake them out. Then I replaced them, and turned it on.

Nothing.

Changed the batteries again thinking maybe some coconut oil on my hands had affected the terminals.

Nothing.

Prayed to all the Powers that Be and tried again.

FUCKING NOTHING!

At this point I just closed up shop and went to bed. Trying not to weep. And wondering if masturbation was ever going to be that fun again.

Then I got online for work the next night, and an old friend showed up that I hadn't seen for ever...

You know how my life generally likes to blindside me with unknown debt, horrible people, or just general anxiety?

This was not one of those moments.

We were chatting and I bemoaned the loss of my sweet Sweet. And suggested the option of a Viking funeral. But being plastic, that probably wouldn't be environmentally friendly.

My friend said "what was it?" And I looked it up on Eden Fantasys and found it. Alas no longer in purple, but found! I showed him the link. He told me to put it on my wishlist. And then he bought it for me!

Now I'm stalking the mailbox like some sort of addict.

I might be busy for a while when the package comes. Just a heads up.

The Rules

So it is no secret that I keep in touch with people I met on the cam site off site. Some of you read this blog, some have my email address, some have my phone number for texting...

What is really interesting is the "rules" that come along with this offsite contact. And almost universally, I'm not the one making them.

"Don't text me, just email."
"Text me! It is easier!"
"Don't message me, just text."

And then I get emails or texts or whatever at all times. Even though everyone knows I'm a family woman and have a "day job," the rules only apply to my behavior, not theirs.

This is an interestingly sexist behavior that I don't think they even notice they are doing. Even when we become friends, I'm still treated a bit like a commodity, a convenience for them... And it is purely a one way set-up.

I should probably be more annoyed by this than I am. Sometimes it gets to me, but mostly I just find it interesting.

Over six months really is a long time...

I just realized that I have known some of my cam friends for well over six months. That's a significant amount of time. Hell I knew my husband for less time than that before we were engaged. I went back through the blog and saw that I met one of my best friends from the site last November. He made me laugh so hard I almost peed, and continues to do so. The way to my heart really is through making me laugh. Multiple orgasms are nice too. But honestly, laughter is key. I have a lot of stress and a lot of disappointments in my daily life, but it is impossible to worry about the future when you are laughing so hard you are crying and gasping for breath.

Of course the people I meet camming (and telemarketing for that matter) come and go and there is no way I can depend on them to be there for "ever" whatever that means. But just as I've made friends that have lasted for over a decade online, I think some of these relationships will last for quite a while. At least I hope so.

And of course there are those who made an impact, and then disappeared. Leaving marks like craters on my heart.

I try not to let it get me too down, but sometimes I miss my friends.

I guess what I'm saying is, I like a lot of the people I've met through this crazy job, and I like the benefits of laughter and orgasms and money. And I hope I get to keep doing it.

I have new toy

And no it isn't a sex toy, although it certainly is sexy. I finally own a tablet, and since Google already owns my soul, I have a Nexus 7. It was a birthday present and I absolutely love it. I knew I wanted a tablet for a long time seeing my daughter play with my parents' iPads for most of her young life but not having any similar thing for her at home, I felt as though we were missing out. And now I have one and am having a relationship with it. And yes I can watch porn if I want, and Skype and do all sorts of time wasting and super fun things.

Yes I love my new toy. I should probably name it. ;-)

I've already talked sex and politics, so the last taboo...Religion.

So most people have seen the articles about "Beatriz," the El Salvador woman who was denied a life-saving abortion by her country's Supreme Court even though the fetus she was carrying had no brain and the skull was not completely developed and Beatriz was hospitalized due to the pregnancy exacerbating her lupus and kidney problems. It was also reported that Beatriz had one teenage child and a husband at home and was in such critical condition carrying the pregnancy "to term" could kill her, leaving her existing child without a mother and her husband a widower.

The basis for denying the abortion was the country's Catholic religion.

Here in the United States, conservative, religious, politicians have put forward hundreds of bills restricted women's access to abortion or contraception, using their "religion" and view of the "sanctity of life" as the reason behind their actions. Same thing with same sex marriage bans and so many social atrocities. "The Bible." "Religion." "Good moral values."

A friend posts stories like the one above on Facebook and always rants about how once again religion is hurting someone. And that always pisses me off.

This isn't about religion.

What it is about is misogyny, patriarchy, heterosexism... Hatred. Hatred using "religion" as a mask to hide behind. Because if the perpetrators say, "I do this out of love for you, out of my faith, my god that says to do this to you...." they don't have to take personal responsibility for the hatred spilling out of their hearts and minds to all around them. They don't have to realize that all they are sowing is destruction and discrimination and death. That their "love" is why woman die in back alleys and men are beaten outside of basketball games and children go hungry. They can hide behind their bibles and holy books and their outdated views of what a healthy society looks like and say "but I love everyone! I just want you to go to Heaven! (As soon as possible.)"

Religion itself isn't an evil. It is a tool. It is a tool to help some people find great peace and depths of compassion within themselves that helps them change the world in and around them for the better. For other people, it is a mallet with which they beat down all around them so they alone stand tall and pious on their island. Others yet don't need any religion at all, and do either great good, or great ill, all on their own. Religion isn't a panacea and it isn't an epidemic. But what it should never be, is more important than the lives of human beings and the health of the environment and the stability of our future.

Personally, if you are curious, I'm a semi-active member of a Unitarian Universalist Church. I identify as Pagan because I was raised Wiccan but do not practice as Wiccan anymore. I do find comfort in the word "witch." No I don't cast curses and I can't make that cutie down the street fall head over heels in love with you. I don't worship the devil and I don't dance naked under the moon (although that could be fun!). And I'm totally cool with Atheists.