Anxiety

I am now having arguments with my father-in-law in my dreams.

No wonder I try to avoid going to sleep. I'm either being forceably evicted from my home, being judged by my father-in-law, fleeing some horror through a labyrinthian structure or being cruely mocked by faceless strangers for every real and perceived mistake and flaw in my life. Having a very vivid imagination is a great thing when writing sex scenes or talking dirty. It is a fucking curse when it fuels your nightmares for 3 decades or so.

All week I've been staying up until at least 5:00am hoping to see friendly "faces" online to boulster my self confidence as I get closer and closer to the end of this month and the horrors that come with that. My DUI court date is the 28th and the end of the month is the deadline for paying off our mortgage delinquency, which can't happen.

Just typing that sentence made my head spin and ears ring. My chest and stomach hurt. And here I am waiting to get on the phone at the telemarketing job and I just want to puke.

I have a new dildo waiting for me at home that I was so excited to buy, and I have virtually no inspiration to use it but I do need to get online.

It would be so easy to blame my mood on hormones as I am due for my period in a few days, but I believe I'm entitled to be freaking the hell out. This is a very difficult time for us to be going though, and I'm tired. Hell I can't even find a babysitter so the Hubby and I can go see "The Hobbit" at a fancy movie theater with my parents. I work, I work, I sleep while my child watches TV or plays, and I work again. I need a break, I need some fun, I need hope.