Due to my mother-in-law's death, we had to go to Pittsburgh for almost a week to help my father-in-law and during that time my unemployment was delayed and we got further behind on bills. In all of August I brought in just $300 of unemployment benefits and we put out much more in travel expenses and time off of work. We got further behind.
On August 25th, I officiated at the renewal of vows ceremony for friends of mine. It was a great party held very soon after we had gotten home from Pittsburgh. I was a bundle of anxiety and glad to be with people I loved. I ate, drank and was merry. I stopped drinking when I got a little fuzzy and drank water only for an hour and half before leaving to go home, overwhelmed with the need to crawl into bed with my child and hug her.
Ten minutes from my front door, I was pulled over. I had crossed the yellow line while turning off my gps because I recognized where I was. I have vertigo as I have mentioned, and tend to "fall" to the left, which can include swerving a bit. Which is why I generally try to avoid driving as much as possible. And even though I had stopped drinking hours earlier, I was over the limit and arrested for DUI.
This is the first time in my entire life that I have been in trouble like this. I am still humiliated and overwhelmed and basically terrified to get into a car in case I get pulled over again, even if I haven't had a drink in weeks.
I contacted my parents later in the day after I had gotten home to tell them what had happened, particularly my father, because he is a former police detective. He was surprisingly supportive. The truth is, I don't drink regularly and don't have an alcohol problem, I made a bad judgment in a moment of high emotions. And now I have to pay the price. I got in touch with an attorney a friend recommended and found out I could apply for the ARD program, but that it would cost up to $2000. At this point, I'm already two months behind on my mortgage and have nothing saved. My father said that he and my step-mother would take care of any and all fees and fines because this really was a mistake. In the mean time, I have interviews and court dates and constant uncertainty while waiting to get into the program. Yesterday I had the formal pre-trial arraignment. Having never been in trouble like this before, I had no idea what to expect and therefor had worked myself into a panic thinking the worst.
My father came over in time to take my daughter and I to the courthouse and it was over within an hour of getting there. Seriously, an hour. My daughter was amazing and quiet and I couldn't have been prouder. My dad was supportive. And the district attorney didn't make me feel like a total scum bag. Of course with the stress I almost fell over in front of him and that would have opened up a whole new can of worms, but I caught myself. I have a trial date next year if I don't get into or adhere to the ARD program, which of course I plan to do. I have an interview on Tuesday to see if I can get in, but as my father keeps saying, I'm the ideal candidate, since this is a one time offense and damn if I'm not contrite. So I got all worked up (per usual) for basically nothing.
Still don't know what is happening with the mortgage. My husband has been working with our lender for modification, but in the mean time they won't take any partial payments toward our delinquency so it keeps growing. I want to do things around the house, but it feels like re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Basically every day I have to fight with feelings of overwhelming hopelessness and despair. One would think that being a cam model wouldn't help at all, but on the good nights it helps tremendously. On bad nights when I don't get any private sessions or everyone just pops in and out and doesn't say anything I can get emotionally devastated. My friendly regulars are a life saver in those moments because they remind me that it isn't anything I'm doing wrong. Just fickle wankers being fickle, and rude.
It just kills me that all my current problems can be traced directly back to an overdraft in July and being cosmically screwed in August. If we hadn't had those five bad weeks, I wouldn't be at risk of homelessness. Of course I also probably wouldn't be Kir Royale and wouldn't be writing this blog or on Twitter stalking Norman Reedus. So I suppose it isn't all bad.
If you haven't been to a cam room (and I've admittedly not gone around to other models rooms so I don't have a lot of experience from that side), it is a lot like any other instant messaging forum for the member as far as I can tell. I can be heard by members who have sound enabled on their computer, so I speak, but in general, the communication to me from the member is in text. What I've discovered in my short time on the cam site is that this particular environment has its own language. "BB" for instance. Means "baby" but I had to figure that out on my own.
Remembering that most members appear from my side to be fickle wankers, they don't spend a whole lot of time getting to know the models before determining if we (I) fit their momentary fancy. A vast majority literally flit in and out of the room in a blink. Not even stopping to say "Hi" or ask the super annoyingly common "where you from BB?" before disappearing again. (What does it matter to you where I'm from? I'm here, virtually naked and streaming live. Do you honestly think I'm going to run out right away and meet you in Starbucks? GAH!) There is a number of members though who have specific tastes or a very short attention span, or both, and they tend to show up in the room and immediately express their innermost, most tantalizing thought. A few have really stood out in my mind as being spectacularly open, and yet also repugnant.
"Are you wet and ready BB?"
"I'm looking for a mouth to cum in."
"Do you vomit?"
Now imagine for a moment what the average run of the mill entrance lines must be if these are the ones that stand out. Let that percolate in your brain just a bit.
"Are you wet and ready BB?" is fairly tame, but it was delivered with absolutely no fan fair or even a getting to know you exchange. Also I was in the middle of a conversation with a few of my friendly regulars and was completely blindsided. I believe I've mentioned I'm online in the wee hours of the night, after spending a day watching my toddler and working my day job. Forgive me if I'm not completely on top of my game with the witty retort. However in this case I managed "Not yet. I could use some inspiration!" The member left, and I don't believe he's come back since.
"I'm looking for a mouth to cum in." There is so much wrong with this statement. Let us just start with my response, "And how are you planning to accomplish that?" Because honestly, I'm on a cam! You can't cum in my mouth on a cam! Also if the word "cum" in that statement had been a typo (it could happen) then the grammatical error is just blinding. How would the mouth come in without the rest of the individual unless we are talking the Rocky Horror Picture Show mouth or the Dairy Queen mouth. They appear to be bodiless orifices capable of independent movement. But I am not such a mouth and therefore have to come in with the rest of me. If it isn't a typo, it is still physically impossible to do with me at least since we already determined I'm not running out to a coffee shop to meet and suck you. Now if you have a fantasy involving me or another model using a stand in dildo to represent your member while you fondle yourself to orgasm, then say so. Don't be rude. Just because I'm on a cam doesn't mean I won't be offended if you treat me like meat. (Especially since I'm a vegetarian.)
"Do you vomit?" "Not on demand. And not on here." He left. I'm still so fucking disturbed by that request. But as was articulated by friend, and I know intellectually, if it can come into or out of a body, someone is going to fetishize it. But still. Ugh.
So apparently I have to edit my cam site profile even more to try to explain to members that I am not into certain things. Although then I wouldn't have the amusement of these oh so titillating introductions.
Laughing is the best thing ever. And when I'm lucky, I get to do it a lot, at both my jobs, and my life, and in general. I love to laugh. If you make me laugh I will love you in no small way.
So last night I did manage to get on to my cam site and make some money. I got a new member. Several orgasms and that's great, but more importantly he stuck around afterward and made me laugh. Uproariously, long, hard and enough to make my sides hurt. Tears welled up. I snorted. I almost peed. Laughing.
There were two members in my room and me, and the next thing I know, our conversation has melded into this ongoing fetishizing of fonts and font based come-ons that is virtually impossible to relay in a way that would explain how completely hilarious this was. Several people came in and out of my room and left quickly because I was too overcome with the giggles to try and be sexy. I was hugging myself and rocking with mirth. I used my 90+ wpm average as a come-on and was told to start gently with 40 words per minute. I woke my husband with the noise. It was awesome.
The point is, even though I'm online to be sexy and get people off, what makes me feel the best, and probably many more people as well, is a good laugh. As I like to tell people when they come to my room "If we aren't having fun, what the fuck are we doing here?" It is a cliche because it is true, but laughter is the best medicine. It is impossible to worry about tomorrow when clutching your belly with spasms of hilarity. It is unlikely that the world will feel like it is ending when you are laughing so hard you can't see.
I can't express how important this is. Keep laughing. Keep trying to find the mirth and the merriment and the glee. Puff air in a kitten's face to see it hiss (fucking HYSTERICAL and not animal cruelty at all), tickle your toddler (not a euphemism), tell your partner corny jokes because they are corny, listen to celebrities play "Not My Job" on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me (trust me!), have fun.
Life is too short and too hard to ignore that it is one big cosmic joke. HA!
Mondays are always a challenge for me. Even after a nice long holiday break I feel this disconnect in my head from what I would like to be doing and what I need to be doing. My daughter always gets up before I do and lets herself out of the bedroom to go play for a while. Eventually she comes in to wake me and I have to drag my sorry carcass out of bed to take care of her. Which sounds like I don't enjoy our time together, I do, but I'm not a morning person.
If I haven't been as organized as I was yesterday (ha!) I generally have laundry to do on Mondays. And a sink/counter/kitchen full of dishes because everything tends to go to hell on Sundays. Also I have to get back into the mindset of going to work every night from a little past 5 (or 4 on Fridays). No matter what, I always greet Mondays with the bleary eyed attitude that it came much too early.
Today I managed to get myself together enough to do two loads of dishes and make pumpkin custard with my daughter. This would be pumpkin pie if I had pie shells, which I don't, so it will simply be baked custard in the shape of pies. Yesterday I roasted the pumpkins, which we grew in our completely disorganized garden this summer. They had been sitting on my front porch for about a month mocking me. I had to make those sneering orange gourds stop staring at me, so out came the sharp chef's knife and baking pans...
My daughter has been helping my step-mother cook since she was 6-months-old. Getting up to the counter and sprinkling and mixing and tasting is second nature to her. She's actually made more pumpkin pies than I have. So I had to have her help me with the spices. This was actually much more ambitious than I normally am on a Monday, so I feel quite accomplished.
Are you impressed yet? My life is so exciting that making a pair of pumpkin custards feels like a major win. I still haven't vacuumed and I think my living room carpet is growing crops from the trail mix that has been spilled on it. But at some point I will primp and preen and make myself at least marginally sexy and go online and titillate strangers for money. And that's the part everyone finds interesting. Which is silly, because that is no more exciting or valuable to my life than making custard with a 3-year-old. Both are part of who I am, both take my attention and energy, both result in a gain (money from one, yummy food from the other).
I know most people are probably finding their way to this blog because the partially nude picture in an earlier post, but I would hope that you are staying because what I have to say resonates, at least a little bit and explains that the life of a sex worker is a life, just like yours. And probably less exciting on most days.
Oh I even forgot the bed head hair that never got addressed and my bloodshot eyes from a tragic eyeliner allergy. How can you resist this?
I am the image of sex appeal.
I get tired.
Really really tired.
Sometimes I have to take a night off. Unfortunately with the fickle nature of many cam site members, if I take too much time off, they can't find me and don't come back, or take my absence personally and don't come back. There are thousands of women online available and willing to perform and I'm only one of them. Part of the equation in getting members, is the amount of time I'm online. Which means staying on as long as possible and being on as many days of the week as possible. So far, I seem to have settled on Saturday as my night off. I know this sounds counterproductive, but it allows the most amount of time to be spent with my family and doesn't seem to cut down my (meager) earnings all that much. As far as I can tell at this point anyway. But really what it comes down to is, what can I afford physically and emotionally as well as financially. I have to make that judgment and balance and just hope that my regulars and regulars to be understand that in spite of what they see and imagine, I am a person with a life on the other side of that cam.
I had a great conversation the other night with a new to me member. He said he was just looking around and not really in the mood to spend money that night, and I said that was fine. Because to me, it really is. If you want to hang out with me and chat that's fine, I get to know you and you me and eventually if you want to spend money, perhaps you'll seek me out. He said that was a great philosophy, but honestly, it is the only way I can function on the cam site. It has to be a friendly and fun experience, or else I'll hate myself.
Through the course of the conversation he observed that he felt many men on the site forget that the models are people. That we aren't just plastic playthings to be manipulated for their pleasure. And I absolutely agree. Otherwise I wouldn't have had that horrible experience last Sunday. I have feelings. We, have feelings. The cam models have just as complicated lives and emotions as the women one meets in the real world. We just have less clothing and are more willing and ready to get naked than the woman you encounter in the grocery store. In general at least. And I'm sure some women are more adept at handling the members who have no tact than I do, but I have to draw my lines and set my limits to protect myself.
And part of that, is taking at least one night off a week for me and my family. And if you can't handle me not being available one night out of seven, then I probably don't want you as a regular anyway. If you enjoy me as a person and as a playmate, then you'll wait for me.
And I'll see you when I'm back online. <3
My husband works at one of the two large retail stores that has been in the forefront of the media's notice for opening on Thanksgiving for Black Friday sales. My email and facebook and Twitter have been inundated with requests to boycott or sign petitions against my husband's employer. I refuse to do so, and here is why. He wouldn't have had to go into work at 7:00pm last night if there was no demand to do so. But there was, and he did, and he was compensated very well for his time there. He had a few hours of overtime, overnight differential, Black Friday bonus pay... It worked out very well for us for him to go into that shift. Not to mention he was able to spend the day with the family eating and resting and having a great time with our daughter. He didn't miss out on the holiday at all.
We had a great day. We went to a very nice buffet with other members of the family. And we were served and supported at that buffet, by people working on Thanksgiving. Every one of those people would work one day, three turnovers, at a very chichi restaurant where people tip generously. I don't feel sorry for them, they are going to make a very hefty chunk of change and the whole thing is over by 5:00pm. Plenty of time to spend more time with their families if that is what they want.
The idea that there is one singular day of the year where everyone must get together with their families and overeat and watch football and drink too much and it can only be the third Thursday of November just pisses me off. If family time is so important to you that you would start a petition on Change.org or badger local news outlets or send viral email spam about it, find another day. Not working on Thanksgiving is not guaranteed in any profession. Doctor's, nurses, gas station attendants, waitstaff, retail employees, mass transit employees... People work on Thanksgiving. People get paid to work on Thanksgiving. Lets be thankful for having jobs and paychecks and the ability to try and support our families. And then eat too much some other day.
Now as for Black Friday, my husband has explained to me that the reason the store he works for opened at the time that it did was because of "the Creep." Black Friday sales have been occurring earlier and earlier and in order to keep up his company opted for their particular open time. They also spaced out sale times to try and avoid stampedes. When he got home this morning, he was in a great mood. He had fun. It was hectic and busy and energetic and he didn't have a bad thing to say about having worked the start of the Black Friday sale. Then I asked if he had happened to pick up the one toy my daughter has been asking for, which his store sells, and he said "oh no, I wasn't going to do that, I'll go out later." I had to laugh because that was truly ridiculous.
I don't shop on Black Friday. Never have. Part of the reason I don't is I hate crowds and I don't have money. (The money thing is probably the clincher.) But mostly because I do very little holiday shopping to begin with and in general the stuff I like to buy for people doesn't go on sale on Black Friday. But I don't begrudge the bargain hunters that absolutely have to get their marked down TV or sweater.
In fact I'm pretty much turned off by the whole holiday shopping thing in total. I never know what to get anyone other than my daughter. And I don't have enough money at all to get what I would like to get everyone. So I'll do a lot of homemade crafts with my daughter and call it done.
But today I'm just going to rest.
I decided to check out the "Trends" list tonight while I perusing Twitter and right up there was #perfectchatuplines, which I thought would be funny and relatively harmless and might give me some material to make members laugh when I'm online tonight, since we have pretty much exhausted "Are you wet and ready bb?"
So I clicked on the hashtag link and was brought to a fairly active list of mostly seriously corny pickup lines.
Then there were these.
I love reading all the tweets from the people I am subscribed to. And sometimes, I respond. After all, isn't that what Twitter is for? I try not to show how much of a crazy fangirl I can be and only respond if it makes sense. Anyway, I just got my very first celeb response and it made my entire day.
Tonight is my last shift at my telemarketing job before we close down for the Thanksgiving holiday. Needless to say, I'm not really giving 100% trying to get leads because ther is no way I can hit commission. But I'm still being professional and following company guidelines and protocal, while counting down the minutes until I go home.
So I got someone on the line tonight in one of our "trigger" campaigns. These are phone lists that have been generated by the individual doing something that required a credit check, which "triggers" us to call them. In other words, they are already getting a ton of calls.
Anyway, this individual answers the phone with lots of energy and almost immediately asks "what are you selling tonight?" I responded as per training "nothing, I'm offering a free, no obligation..." At this point the person goes off on a long speech about how they are a salesperson, that everyone is selling something 24 hours a day, and that if a salesperson says they aren't selling anything, that's the wrong answer.
At this point I knew the lead was lost.
Also, my stomach hurt.
I'm still struggling with the concept that I am a salesperson. There is such a negative conotation associated with the entire field of sales, that even though I am actively trying to embrace my selling, I still recoil emotionally when called out as a salesperson.
How do I reconcille what I have to do to make a living with my own internal prejudice against sales? I honestly don't know. But I'm going to have to figure this out if I'm going to be successful as a telemarketer, web cam model, artist or pet sitter.
Wish me luck.
I am a Web Cam Model.
I get naked on camera for men (and women) who want to find sexual release while looking at me.
I am NOT a filthy slut. I do not prostitute myself (although I find nothing wrong with that in the right situations). I do not cheat on my husband. I do not lie. I do not abuse myself or anyone else. I don't even consider playing incest games. I am not a plumper or a fat slut or a little whore.
Last night was rough.
I have family issues going on that are really dragging me down and I was very hopeful that going online to my cam site would improve my mood. I have been blessed with some of the nicest regulars you can imagine. Good senses of humor, considerate communication, you know, friendly!
Then I went on last night. And either people were coming in and out of the room without saying anything, or...
I finally got a paying customer who even took me "exclusive" and wanted phone too. So I did that. And then he started calling me horrible things. Most of what I have already mentioned. I am sure there are some women who either don't mind that kind of talk, or get off on it. I am not one of them. I froze. I really really need the money. I needed a paying customer. I needed to play along. So I tried to keep him interested and going without succumbing to the verbal barrage of disparaging remarks. And when he disconnected without warning, I quit my show all together.
This was the first time that a member made me this sad. I found myself getting ready for the day today wondering what I'm doing. I know I need to lose weight, but my appreciative members call me "curvaceous" or "soft" or "warm and welcoming." The don't call me things that make me feel like a holiday turkey.
And I'm a fan girl.
I never realized how "close" in internet space anyway, one can get to a favorite author or actor or new correspondent one can get on Twitter. And now that I know, I have to restrain myself from being stalker-ish.
But if someone, who happens to be famous, tweets something that I can relate to, I might very well respond.
In the week or so @royaly_kir has existed on Twitter, I've responded to or tweeted at:
Yeah, I'm a Geek.
I firmly believe I am the luckiest woman on the site. I have the best guys. Not everyone takes me to private, not everyone can. That's not a problem. I have the best conversations. After a day of taking care of a 3-year-old (who admittedly is brilliant and funny and fun, but not into discussing art or culture) and then a shift of telemarketing, it is the highlight of my day to sit down and chat with people I consider friends, and make new ones as well.
The best part is, if I'm particularly lucky, I get to have several orgasms in a night with friends while having stellar and often hysterical conversations.
Who wouldn't love this?
Topics of conversations I have actually had while on the cam site:
- When the Neil Gaiman/Terry Pratchett collaboration "Good Omens" will be made into a multi-part miniseries by the BBC and how much that makes me squeal like a crazed fan-girl. (Because I am.)
- The "Twilight" books/movies and how much I think they are a waste of time while others have enjoyed them. And that Kristen Stewart is not the terrible actress she appears to be while in the movies.
- This conversation explained why my one Tantus dildo is named "Edward."
- My dysfunctional family. And yes my brother is still missing as of the writing of this post.
- How to light my performance space.
- Various types of body modification.
- Classical literature.
- "The Walking Dead" and how I have managed to watch the entire show even though I don't have television.
- Crazy sex stories (I'm sure that's no surprise).
- Favorite beverages, both alcoholic and non. (Since I can't have Kir Royales all the time, Guinness and black tea with honey respectively.)
- The mechanics of lactation.
- That I should never wear my wig on cam again. And so far I haven't.
- Comic books.
- How many cats I have.
- The fact that I have no discernible "Jersey" accent.
- Medical conditions.
- Our children.
- Funny telemarketing stories.
I know this was a "dry" storm in that flooding in my area was not the problem. It was the wind and power outages. But it just made me think back to April of 2005 when I lost my home (and my job) after this happened:
This was my neck of the woods. I lived in a rental cottage near the Delaware River. It was even on the "high side" of the street. I loved that house as much as I hated my landlords and was pretty much sick of sharing the house with a housemate. I had been married at that point for 7 1/2 years. We had three cats and two ferrets and the most beautiful gardens in a small yard. I had a fairly easy and what I thought was totally dependable job as a Marketing Manager for an Advertising Specialties company. Then it was gone.
The animals, husband and I moved into my parents house, I applied to be a police officer and worked out six days a week. I quit smoking. I cried a lot. I put every cent of unemployment into an account to buy a house, found a realtor, went off Effexor.
Now, a bit over seven years later, I don't know if I'll be able to keep the house, we are applying for mortgage modification. I don't work out ever. I'm still not on Effexor or any other mood altering medication. I have chronic vertigo, I work 40 or more hours a week all after 5pm. I hate getting the mail. I have nine cats and a daughter. I'm still married.
Sandy shook me. But I suppose I should try to remember not what I've lost in the past during storms, but what I gained.
Still, I'm tired of being afraid.