So I got to work almost half an hour early tonight just because I needed to move. Tomorrow the Hubby and I have a meeting with a credit counselor because it is required by the bank to try and avoid the foreclosure. Yesterday Hubby met with my father and they went over all our financials trying to determine if this ship is salvageable. I went with the wildflower child and my step-mother to my step-grandfather's house for an informal and chaotic family gathering.
I started drinking red wine at 2:00pm.
To be fair and honest I only had three glasses in four hours, but it was certainly steady consumption.
The Hubby showed up at the party right before dinner and handed me his atm card. Apparently part of the agreement with my father is that he gets $40/week and I hold the atm cards and checkbooks. Reasonable, but still stressful.
We had a very nice dinner, but even better got to see the wildflower child interact with her favorite people and just run and play and squeal and be a happy and delightful child. I wish I could give her that more often, she is so outgoing and social.
Hubby was frankly wonderful all day. Even gave me the chance to take a nap when we got home, and had a snack of fresh popcorn when I got up. But I'm still so damn stressed out I have trouble reciprocating right now. And eventually I had to go downstairs to try to make money.
At which point I dran two Guinnesses in quick succession.
Saturday night hadn't been great for me, but last night was my worst night ever. By the end of two hours I was choking back tears of frustration and rage and self loathing as I felt for the first time in a long time like a $2.00 whore. "Show me bb...Bend over bb...Maybe bb..." Asshole after asshole wanting a free show or sneak peek last night, laughing off my comments that nothing in life is free, or just looking and leaving, erroding my self confidence with each silent judgement and exit. By the end my throat was on fire and stomach roiling and I wanted to scream "What the fuck am I doing wrong?" I wanted to email my favorite playmates and beg them to come see me, just to cheer me up but I'm afriad I've overstepped my bounds and might turn them off. I wanted to curl up under the blankets and cry myself to sleep.
I'm 37-years-old. I'm not stick thin with fake tits and a spray tan and I'm not willing to do anal or humiliation or incest roleplay. I hate myself enough already after nights like this, I don't need to add to the shit pile.
I have friends who hang out with me almost every night in Free chat and they never fail to offer suggestions; masturbate obviously but under the cam line of site, sit around topless, keep a log of on and offsite orgasms to make members want to help me out, "drag the money out of them" when they take me private, drink alcohol on cam...On and on, suggestions from men who have paid plenty of other women do do whatever, who pay into "gold shows" to see models who don't care about being basically anonymous porn performers do whatever they are told to do, men who never get told to bend over and show their fat ass and shake it. Men who say they love my personality, but spend their money elsewhere and then tell me about it.
I can't quit camming, but all day today I just keep thinking "I don't know if I can do this..." I can't feel like this every day and I sure as hell can't make only $7.00 a night. To top that I had gotten a Skype session on Saturday with a long time regular who promised to set up a PayPal account to pay me yesterday. Still haven't been paid for that. (Did receive payment as of 9:00pm Monday, so that is excellent and helps a lot!)
All I can do is hope something changes soon because I'm actually nauseated with the stress and fear and rejection. I'm not even wearing eyeliner or mascara tonight, which is unheard if, because I keep tearing up and don't want it to run.
Fuck.
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