Love, Loss and Late Nights

I feel like I'm failing as a mother. My daughter can be unfocused and inattentive, impulsive and defiant at school, and at home, and her teachers think she has ADD. I've been wracking my brain and working with my step-mother and aunt for suggestions on behavior modification to help her stay more focused and work on getting positive attention rather than negative. But all I ever hear from the school is when she's not doing well.

I have such a short period of time between now and my surgery, and she has a medical appointment as well next Thursday and I'm feeling so crunched for time to "fix it" before my beautiful, funny, exuberant, exasperating, weirdo of a daughter gets labelled and given up upon. I love her with every fiber of my being and I cannot allow her to become the failure that her father is, and that I avoid by the skin of my teeth.

I'm so afraid, still, of trying anything, of change. So I focus on the things going on right now to the exclusion of everything else.

I just want her to be better than I am.

And my best friend had to euthanize his dog today and I can't stop crying and it doesn't seem like it should hurt this much but it does because it all hurts right now. And why did I ask to have "depression" removed from my medical chart when damnit, I'm not okay.

And my fucking ex-husband is traipsing around California on an extended vacation and not paying child support while I'm facing at least two weeks off and holiday time I don't have covered so Christmas is going to be tight this year. Especially since my car is making a funny noise, and I have to get the radiator flushed for winter.

I need a hug. But the only person who really hugs me lately is small and asleep and gets up early for school and I shouldn't wake her. But I really want to wake her up and make hot chocolate and watch movies under a blanket. But that would really not be being a good mother would it?

Real Woman

That jerk I was dating tried to argue with me that Trans-women aren't real women because they can never have children.

Besides that being a totally bullshit and close-minded argument, there are plenty of cisgendered women who can't have children.

Soon I will be one of them. November 9th, 2015 actually. At around 8:00am.

I am scheduled for a total hysterectomy, to be performed laparoscopically. I will keep my ovaries so as to avoid menopause and because they aren't the problem. Everything else goes. Uterus, cervix, Fallopian tubes. My doctor says that I shouldn't have any problems maintaining sexual function after recovery. Just in case I get to have sex any time in the future.

So why, you ask, am I having this procedure done at the tender age of 40? Because I can't stop bleeding. I've been bleeding more and more regularly no matter what medications I'm on, for the last two years. And at this point, I've been bleeding steadily since September 12th. It is hell.

I've wondered if there will be an imperceptible sign, some subliminal signal to the people around me that I'm no longer "Mother" and now I will have flipped over to "Crone" in the blink of an eye. Will I be somehow weaker or maybe stronger with the lack of a womb? I don't know.

I'm scared. I'm terrified of anesthesia and narcotic medication. I'm afraid of hurting in the way that surgery hurts. I'm afraid of something going horribly wrong.

The most of me believes all will be well. The bit of me is scared witless.

Cross fingers for me. Please.


I am guessing I am no longer "officially" a home owner.

The house in Bethlehem PA that I left in January of 2014 when I left my husband, was scheduled for auction at 1pm today because the mortgage had not been paid in years. Since long before I left, although I didn't know that at the time.

I actually feel sorry for whoever buys the house due to the state it was left in.

I am sad for all the energy and memories and things that were left there. I am sad for the destruction and filth. I am sad.

But I know that will pass. My credit will start to improve. My life has started to improve. My daughter's future is improving.

He accused me of abandoning everything. Just because I left, I wasn't the one abandoning, I was the one preserving myself and my daughter.


Or not.

Auction postponed to November 6th. *sigh*