When I call a home and ask for a male name and a woman has answered, a fair amount of the time she sounds suspicious, like I'm cheating with her husband.
I have wondered on more than one occasion if men I speak with on the phone have come to my site, but I never expected jealous defensiveness to be an issue.
People are strange.
Also, seriously, if someone calls your house and it is a bad number, it is an honest mistake, not some personal attack directed at YOU. So don't get all twisted up about it. Just hang up and go about your day. Get over it.
Here I am, in the bathroom before going into the office at work. No makeup. The sunglasses I have to wear when I'm driving during daylight, and often keep on inside if I have a headache. Hair is a mess. Hell I'm not even wearing a bra.
But I'm here.
I am still going. Not thriving. Not happy. But here.
I haven't been on cam since last week. I think I'll go back to my old site tonight if I feel up to it. I've been so damn tired and sad. I wanted to get to bed at a reasonable time last night and still didn't get to bed until about 3am, when my daughter fell out of bed as I walked into her room to check on her. That was exciting.
I don't know what to do or believe anymore. But I just keep going.
Maybe if I go on tonight it will be the start of something better than I've had lately. Perhaps.
I was so naive to think that people I meet on cam, baring the rare exception, actually meant anything nice they have ever said to me. I'm really just the fallback model. I've been told over and over that I'm the nicest model on Streamate. You know why? Because I don't kick out people who can't, or won't, pay me. I keep talking and flirting and trying to make them feel special. Because maybe, just maybe, they'll like me enough to take me private or exclusive and help me pay my bills. And maybe, just maybe, they won't call me a fat whore or dirty slut and I might be able to pretend for a few minutes that I'm appreciated.
Truth is, it is bullshit.
The beautiful models know that they will always get more customers, so they can kick out whoever they want. The young ones don't necessarily have outrageous mortgages or multi-thousand dollar debts looming on the horizon.
The cam factory models don't care because they can always go to another site and there's always another girl to take their place.
I don't honestly know why I ever thought I was worthy of being cared for. I am a deeply damaged person with mental illness and a history that would make most people sick. My husband has been lying to me for years, about everything. He can't help it. I can't help him. I can't even potty train my daughter. How could I help him?
I'm worthless. My artwork is juvenile and ridiculous. I look like the Bride of Frankenstein when I hoop. My tits and stomach sag. My skin is scared and flawed. My hair is awful. And I just get stupider and more pathetic by the day. Which makes it easy for people to bully me. I just scream "victim." I tried to be strong. I tried to have standards, to believe that I am worthy of being loved and cared for and treated with respect.
I was wrong.
I have to hide all these feelings from my daughter, because somehow I want her to break this cycle, to be better than me. To be strong and happy and not a magnet for abuse and humiliation. I don't know how to show her that. She asks me every day if she is "cute" or "pretty" and I die inside. I tell her "yes Baby, but more importantly you are strong and brave and smart and funny!" Last night she started laughing at me and said my hair was silly. I tried to explain to her that laughing at people isn't nice and she ended up crying under the covers in bed.
I give up. Call me whatever you want. Hate me. Sneer at me. Point out my flaws. If you miss one I'll fill in the blank for you. Use me. Abuse me. You can't hurt me worse than I've hurt myself.
Just pay me for it. I have to support my family. I have to make sure my daughter has good food and a roof over her head. I have to keep my husband out of jail. I have to take care of them.
Last night I tried myfreecams.com again for the second night. I made $6.00 and was tricked into getting naked for free and called those things in the title of the post.
I suppose I am irrationally naive for a 38-year-old woman because I keep making the mistake of believing what people tell me.
I am crushed under immobilising depression and fear. Today I could literally barely move, I napped in the living room while my daughter played and watched TV. I haven't eaten. Have to force myself to drink water. My hands are shaking and the tears are pressing behind my eyes.
But I can't cry. A few ragged sobs escaped while I was getting dressed, but I can't let go.
It is not an option.
Not that I have any.
Today I just want to cry.
I need money, a consistant source of funds, and cam modeling was doing that for me for a while. But after I got sick this spring and lost so much time online, it has basically dried up. Regulars that I thought I could depend upon have left me. Everyone wants it all for nothing. Free shows, free peeks, free everything.
I can't give it away for free.
Last night I was doing okay, getting to know people, chatting, being my friendly self. And then a "guest" (not an actual member) spent an hour telling me that I have to increase my cam score, which was dropping by the minute, in order to get better placement on the site, but would not tell me how to do so. People would come in the room and demand to see my pussy or ass or for me to strip. For nothing. One guy showed me his cam and wanted me to humiliate him. He got off. For fucking FREE! No tip.
I made $1.50 last night.
I made $0.70 in the two nights prior.
I used to make $30-$70 per night only working three hours.
I'm thinner than when I started. I have more tattoos. I am trying to be more open and fun.
And I am being dragged over the coals by stress and desperation and the need to get more income as soon as possible. I have to be able to make up for the fees my husband's DUI is going to cost us. I have to make sure we can keep our home.
And then, as I was in the middle of conversations, V woke up and I had to shut off the computer and run to my screaming child in high heels and a corset.
Today is not one of the days I enjoy being a cam model. I miss the fun, and the friends and the money and the orgasms.
Fucking cam factories and porn stars are killing me. No one wants a real woman with real limitations and desires and personality.
That was the plan anyway.
I got V to at least pretend to go to sleep, so many kisses and hugs and last sips of water. But every time I left her room with a smile. How can you not?
While hubby was watching his nightly sitcom I made tumeric and ginger tea (antioxidant/anti-inflammatory) and told him I wanted to go outside to hoop once she was quiet. All seemed fine.
I had fun hooping. Got a little bit of a sweat on, stretched well. Then got ready to go on cam.
The second I was ready to sign on, I could hear him cough. I did sign on, was talking to some long time friends, just relaxing, but the sounds upstairs didn't stop. I know he hates to be able to hear me working so I signed off and went to check on him.
He was congested and coughing and I tried to offer tea or water or anything... But that wasn't really the problem, because it rarely is.
We aren't in a good place right now. Some things are okay, but others, important areas, are not.
I really have tried to do what I can to be a better partner. I'm not perfect, and I'm far from warm and fuzzy particularly to those closest to me. But I have tried. I make sure not to interrupt when he is talking. I modulate my tone of voice. I have tried to be more sexually available. I have supported him all through his mother's illness and death. I try to keep up with his relationship with his father. I praise him constantly for being a good father. Have supported his job. Am constantly keeping in touch with him. Try to express happiness more clearly.
Relationships are about adapting to each other and compromise, I know this, but I feel like I'm getting very little back for my efforts.
I can't get over him sneering "Bitch!" at me and slamming the door. I know a marriage isn't a contest but still, I can't win. I do not want to throw in the towel, but there has to be some reciprocity here! Yes, he has done amazing things over the last few years, but so many of them are in response to a crisis that essentially, he caused. He refuses to address his alcoholism. He demands that I express appreciation and then refuses to see it when I do. I mean I clearly remember gushing over work he had done on our landscaping and his response was "I really don't think you appreciate what I've done here." What? The? Hell?
He says he doesn't read this blog because every time he does it's a slap in the face. I'm sorry Love. But this is how I feel.
My biggest fear is he's turning into his father. I look at him and I see his father. I hear the judgment and disapproval and control. The physical intimidation. The emotional manipulation.
Yes, I have more fun with some of my members on cam then I have with him, because he is not fun to be around right now. He has hurt me. He has betrayed me. And he has disrespected me. Why wouldn't I be looking for appreciation and positive emotions? I can't talk about this with anyone in my family or my friends because honestly, they are tired of hearing it and I know that the sighs and eyebrow lifts will drive me mad.
I don't know what to do.
On the flip side, today with V has been brilliant and she wrote her name (the short version) THREE TIMES! I couldn't be prouder. She also read "CAT" and is now obsessed with the letter "Q" although if I let her watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation" that may change.
She is truly an astonishing child and I am so blessed to be her mother.