How to fix what isn't necessarily wrong?

"So does this pay this bills or is just for fun?"
"How much do you make doing this bb?"
"Do you make the big bucks bb?"
"You must make mega cash with that banging bod mama!" (My personal favorite.)

If you haven't already gathered, those were not so thinly veiled guesses by members at the cam site at how much money I make modeling. I'm pretty honest. "Not much." For instance, last night I made $1.56. Well actually considering I had to turn the house heat on, my space heater on, two lamps on, use the internet, my radio, a computer, the lights in the bathroom while I was getting ready, the energy I used making coffee...

I probably lost money last night.

But at least I made the effort right?

Damn work ethic.

That's the same work ethic that drove me to go into my telemarketing gig Friday night even though I was a mess. Should have known the migraine was going to hit any minute and called out. Instead I went in and ended up running out about an hour and half later and losing most of my weekend to an unrepentant headache. Awesome.

What confuses me though, is these men are so effusive in there appreciation and assurance that I must be a big earner and doing a wonderful job, and then they never take me private.

What the hell?

Mixed messages much?

I've asked my "regulars" on more than one occasion what it is that I am doing "wrong. " No one can put their finger on anything I should do or not do to get more private sessions. It seems to simply be luck of the draw.

So tonight I will paint my finger and toe nails, wear stockings and garter belt and maybe even a corset and a come hither gaze and hope a make a ton of money.

Wish me luck.

Cloudy with a chance of headache

I have desperately wanted to write a blog lately, but have not been able to, for a number of reasons. As I previously mentioned, I have started anti-convulsive medication for my chronic migraines and it has focusing and forming coherent thoughts difficult, sometimes close to impossible. I am doing better, but it is still a struggle and my emotional state is a bit fragile as well. 

My modeling this week was a bust too. I could barely focus, didn't feel sexy, one night I felt completely ill and had to sign off before something horrible happened. I'm hoping that the side effects abate as I get used to the medication and that the end result is worth the adjustment period. I'm still having headaches. Even have had migraines since starting the medication. The goal is to lessen the frequency and severity. 

In the mean time I have made some new friends, had a lot of nice chats. Even been promised a Norman Reedus autograph. And have discussed the appropriate time and place to use the term "slut." 

Only with humor and respect. And permission.

Never derogatorily. Ever. 

I'm hoping that I can get myself together and get online tonight, but I think that is going to require a nap, and a fuck ton of caffeine later. It would be nice if soon I can become my more eloquent and literate self again. I miss me, but I don't want to keep the pain around. I'm not a big fan of pain.

Trying to focus

I actually feel guilty when I don't post a new blog in a reasonable amount of time even though I think only four people ready this. If that.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I've been having serious problems with migraines and other headaches lately. So much so that I lost essentially an entire week of my life last month. So I finally did the adult thing and went to the doctor.

For the first time since my daughter was 6-weeks-old.

I've been diagnosed with combination headaches. Meaning if I don't have a migraine, I have a tension headache. If I don't have a tension headache, I have a migraine. If I don't have either, look up, there are probably pigs flying overhead.

So I left that doctor's appointment with three prescriptions. One is for an anti-convulsive medication, one is for an anti-hystamine that also causes anxiety relief and sedation and some pain relief and one is for something that "resets the brain."


I started the anti-convulsive medication two nights ago. I haven't been brave enough to use the other medications even when I had a headache yesterday. Apparently they can knock me out for quite a while so I need to have someone else here in case I pass out. I should not have driven to work yesterday. I was stoned out of my mind. I took last night off of cam modeling to try and get some sleep.

Today I feel like there are butterflies in my brain and I am having an optical migraine.

I want to do thirty things at once (none of them are useful) and everything looks wavy and shiny.


But I do feel a little less stoned and that might be a very good sign.

I'm hoping I have the weight loss side-effect from the medication. That would be fantastic.