End of the year

So there are only a handful of hours remaining in 2013 where I am located. And the end of this year could not come fast enough. Some things have been great, but some things have been so awful I just want to run away from them as fast as possible.

Good things:

8 tattoos that I absolutely love.
My weight loss and improved health and fitness.
My Angel suspension in July. (Even if some friends think that's completely fucked up.)
New friendships, and deeper connections with older friends.
Learning how to make snicker doodles.
The Doctor Who 50th anniversary special(s).
My community service was in a Franciscan monastery.

Shit things:

My brother getting arrested after threatening to kill my mother and her dog and a whole bunch of other offenses.
Losing so much time due to headaches and illness even as I get healthier over all.
My husband getting arrested after swearing to me he'd been sober for over a year.
My child deciding green food is poison.
Multiple stray cats being hit by cars on the road in front of our house.
Not getting the promotion I've worked so hard for over the last several months, even though I clearly deserved it.
Being removed from the lives of some people I cared deeply for, because the feeling was not reciprocated.

I'm sure I could add much more to both lists, but that's pretty much where I'm at right now. My plan is to start 2014 with a walk-in tattoo by the artist who did the roses on my chest oh so many years ago. She's doing snowflake and mandala pieces tomorrow and I intend to be there at least an hour early to make sure I get in and can pick something wonderful. Maybe honey bee related. Or with lots of circles to reference my hooping.

And I'm probably going to cut down one or both of my polypro hoops because I just feel like 40" is too big anymore.

Might do a 30 day "on body only" hooping challenge to work on posture, balance and core strength.

I will continue to do planks as I think of them.

I will continue to be a good friend and family member.

I will continue to love my daughter with abandonment.

I will try to make more art.

I will try to help my community more.

I will NOT make any resolutions.

I will be kinder to myself.

Happy New Year.


Happy holidays.

Now go away.

The holidays, starting around the time people are reserving their big fat growth hormone supplemented dead birds for Thanksgiving and running right through the New Year, is a time of major conflict for me. Has been since I was 11-years-old on winter break and threatened my stepfather that if he ever went after my mother or siblings again I would kill him, so he better kill me first of he wasn't going to stop.

He told me to calm down.

He kept beating my mother and molesting me and abusing my siblings for the next four years. My brother is spending his 28th birthday in jail as a long result of his father's abuse.

I wish that 27 years later my stomach didn't tie itself in knots when I hear Christmas music, or that my head didn't pound to the beat of flickering lights, but that's what happens.

But I want to be happy and warm and giving. I want the Wildflower Child to have wonderful holidays of good cheer and lovely memories. And more often then not I end up sobbing in a corner terrified that everything is terrible and ruined and I'm a horrible person.

My husband must have his own issues because every year it is like he has no idea that this is what I go through. Maybe he thinks I should be all better and over it. Heaven knows most of the time I think I am, but there is so much fucking pressure during the holidays that I feel like my skin will crack and I'll explode.

Tonight there were combs missing from the bathroom that I needed to comb Wildflower Child's hair. She says she used them to "brush Daddy's daddy's hair" and that she gave him one of the combs to take home. I became very angry. Which is stupid, they are fucking plastic combs. But since the husband didn't know any of this, it means he let her be with his father alone, even though I had expressly said not to do that as they were getting together while I was at work. I don't trust his father and based on what I've experienced and what Hubby has told me, I have no reason to, but he left them alone. My heart rate still hasn't slowed down to normal.

I have to get up in less than five hours to drive him to work and take her to my parents'.

Happy holidays.

Stress, Vanity and Self-Doubt

I've been writing blog posts in my head for a while now, but none have actually made it to the computer, which really doesn't help anyone does it?

As you know from my last link, I'm trying to become a Gnar Hoops sponsored hooper. I know I'm very early in my hoop journey, but truly feel like with the help of a dedicated and fantastic company behind me, I can really increases my skill and influence in my own little corner of the world.

I am also applying for a promotion at my "day job" of telemarketer. And I'm being interviewed at 9pm tonight for said job.

I'm ridiculously nervous about this. Like can't sleep, can't think, totally want this position, nervous. I feel like I might be passed over purely because there have been whispers of my manager showing me favoritism. Which is total bullshit. I have to make the same goals, work the same hours and use the same guidelines as everyone else. He respects me. Because I respect him, and the job and the company. I am grateful for my stupid job as a telemarketer because I have a job! In the mean time I've also picked up four extra hours a week doing said job.

And while all that is going on, I'm having to drive my husband to and from work while his license is suspended for the previous DUI arrest this summer. So I'm getting up at 5am every morning, piling all three of us (Wildflower Child can't stay home alone) into the car and driving him to work, then taking her and I to my parents' house because it is closer than coming home, spending the day there and then coming back through to pick him up and come home and then go to my job.

Needless to say, I'm tired.

I would LOVE to be on cam these nights. This is a great time to be modeling. I just don't have the time or the energy! And the Husband keeps staying up late so I can't even get ready and go online for an hour or two because he's awake and out of respect I don't do that until after he's asleep. Which is really frustrating. Because if he would be more supportive, he might get more action. Consider a positive experience cam modeling with the promise of a nice check as a great way to "prime the pump" in the sexy times department.

This pump be dry.

Also I have a cold.

I am the biggest wuss in the world with a cold. I hate them. With a fiery passion born of the depths of hell.

Kill me.

There is too much on my plate.

I need a vacation.

And I'm completely convinced I'm not going to get either the promotion or the sponsorship so I'm trying to not be too excited about either.

And then I get ready for work and think, "wow I have an involved 'beauty regimin." I don't think I'm all that attractive, but damn don't I fight hard to make the best of what I do have.

I'm a complete makeup addict. But since I try to only buy cruelty free products, and I'm cheap, most of my cosmetics are things I can get at Target. Like elf and Physicians Formula brands. I used to layer on tons of makeup in college and try for that "completely totally flawless mask" look, but that's beyond me now. For a while I was getting away with coconut oil as moisturizer, some foundation powder, and my eyes done however I wanted them. I rarely wear lipstick (most specifically lip stains). But since I've been so tired and dehydrated and now viral...I'm going all out. I'm talking concealer, BB cream, powder, eye highlighter, shadow, liner, mascara, blush, powder.

What the fuck?

And at night I "wash" it all off with more coconut oil and hot water. And then treat blemishes with tea tree oil and moisturize for the night with grapeseed oil.

And for the first three minutes after washing my face, I look better than I did all day. That's so fucking frustrating.

So anyway, here's to being interviewed when I'm exhausted and full of snot. Trying to make the best of a crumbling facade. And not nearly enough sleep.

Kill me.