Tired

I suppose it isn't surprising with my life set up the way it, that I get tired. I believe I've mentioned this fact before. The problem is, when I step back and break it down it feels like I have no good excuse for not being on top of the housework more or being bright eyed and bushy tailed and wanting to go to the park or out for walks with my daughter every day. I mean really, I only work four hours a day at the telemarketing job (plus approximately 30 minutes commute each way) and then what is cam modeling really other than sitting on a futon and talking to people in the middle of the night interspersed with some hopefully orgasmic masturbation. Then during the day I have the easiest toddler of all time (almost not a toddler anymore *sniff*) and she plays and draws and amuses herself and nurses when she wants to and very rarely is fussy.

So why am I so fucking exhausted?

Let us take a step to the side and look at this again. I spend four hours a day, five or six days a week, being berated, hung up on, yelled at, sworn at, told how worthless I am and to get a real job. In between those calls I have to remember my scripts, my rebuttals, the ever changing rules of our company policies and make sure that I get the numbers correct (I'm mildly dyslexic) and that the leads I put through are actually good ones. Considering that the second I get on the road to go to work every night I start to fall asleep as a stress response, this is a Herculean task to undertake. And yet I maintain fairly good numbers and have yet to fucking snap and lose my shit on anyone on the phone. For which I deserve a cookie and a gold star.

When I get home at night, if I am lucky the hubby has the toddler all brushed and washed and changed and into bed and is in the middle of telling her a delightfully long winded story about strange woodland creatures and their families. I get to change into pajamas and climb into bed with them to let her nurse to sleep. Understanding I will be changing out of the pajamas fairly soon.

If I am not lucky she is running back and forth up and down the house yelling joyfully about something and bouncing off the furniture and it will be at least an hour and fifteen minutes before she finally drifts off to sleep and I can disengage and go to her father.

After she is asleep it is couple time. We watch tv, such as "The Walking Dead" or "The Big Bang Theory" or "Modern Family" and fairly regularly have sex. Sometimes we get carried away and have a lot of sex. Hubby gets up at 5:00am every morning for his job, so I try very hard to make sure he gets some sleep.

Then I go clean myself up and figure out what I'm wearing. If you have done the math now, it is at least midnight, but more often than not it is closing in on 1:00am.

Once I have my cam model outfit and makeup done I get set up downstairs with the computer and the toys and my phone playing Pandora and the lights adjusted. This of course takes some time as well. Most nights that I sign onto my cam site, I'm doing so between midnight and 1:00am or even later.

Now in order to make money, I have to give my regulars and any interested new comers time to find me. Also I have to sit there and endure the constant stream of disinterested fickle wankers with penis ADD.

2Hung4You LOGGED ON

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And on and on and on. Last night for example, I was on for twenty minutes just watching people pop and and out without saying anything. Feeling increasingly more uncomfortable in my skin and hating that the approval of anonymous masturbators matters so much to me in the wee hours of the morning. As much as I work to protect myself, and be comfortable in my own ivory, soft and fairly ample skin, I do get self conscious. I keep telling myself I need to exercise and get toned up. And that in fact exercise would increase my energy level, but I'm too tired to start.

When finally either a friendly regular, or an interested new member appears, I must engage and be bright and cheerful and flirty. I also have to deflect the tactless jerks who come in and right off the bat say things like "hey slut, you wanna suck me?" Which happened Tuesday night. It was like a punch to the gut. I was lucky in that I've gotten strong enough to say "no, niceness matters here." and my regulars who were in the room immediately told him to get out, which he did before I had to kick him.

Some nights all I get are my friendly regulars, as I have a bunch of them now, and while that is fantastic for my self esteem (they adore me, and I them), it isn't so great for my bank account as there is only so much money one can spend on masturbation. So I cannot ignore the new people coming by my room and I have to at least try to increase my member list. And when I do get taken into private for a session with a member, either new or repeat, I have to make them feel as special as they should. They are paying money to spend time with me. And the vast majority of the time, they are doing so because they really do like what they see and feel some sort of interest in me, or seeing me have an orgasm, or hearing me call out their name or whatever drove them to a cam site in the first place. They have picked me and they deserve to get the best show I can give them.

A typical show can range anywhere from some lactation play (my secret weapon), where all I really have to do is hand express some milk and massage my breasts a little to a full sex session using every one of my toys and having multiple orgasms. Often there is some narration of what the member is wishing he could be actually doing to me or me to him. Sometimes the member only wants to see me get naked and stroke myself a little before he cums and leaves without so much as a "ty bb" and I have to scramble to get my meager clothing back on in the thirty seconds before I am automatically switched back into the free chat area.

So you can see, there is a bit more involved in my cam site work than just sitting on a futon in my basement trying to stay warm and yet revealing and minimize my stomach bulges.

Eventually I go up to bed, normally after 4:00am. I wash off my makeup and change back into the aforementioned pajamas and crawl into bed next to my slumbering child and a cat or six. Being me, it then takes a while to actually fall asleep. At which point four hours disappear and a child is either rooting around for her morning nursing or simply leaving to go play in the guest room turned play room and chase around some cats. I have gotten to the point where I let her leave and role over and doze some more until she gets to the point that she has to have me get her breakfast or change her diaper or take care of some other toddler ordeal. Yes the house is safe for her. Otherwise I wouldn't do that. Once I get up, I have to figure out how to keep moving in my fairly zombified state and start working on the promotion part of my life. Here, Twitter, Facebook, Google+. Also keep up on my Norman Reedus obsession. (Joking! Seriously I'm not a crazed stalker, I swear.) In an amongst my online interactions I wish list shop for sex toys and lingerie to add to my shows (and life) which includes making sure that anything I add to my Amazon list maintains my anonymity. I also make snack, change diapers, rescue kitties from sticky hands, admire art work, read books and cuddle.

At about this time of day I then have to get in the shower and get ready to go to the telemarketing job and start the cycle all over again.

Yeah, I'm tired.