Last night (Friday before New Year's) I had to work at the telemarketing job. Hubby decided to be a sweetheart and arranged to have the last visit with his father while I was at work, so he and the wildflower child drove me to work and then apparently met his father at the restaurant for dinner.
I had a crappy shift at work, but at least our boss decided to feed us decent pizza and send us home 45 minutes early, so that's not too shabby.
I had to wait a bit for Hubby but that was fine. When he did get there and I got into the car, the negativity was palpable. Being me, I immediately thought I'd done something wrong, but no, not this time. The visit had not gone well.
I don't know why I expected anything different. Maybe because I wasn't there I thought perhaps they would be able to talk. I can be so damn naive sometimes.
My father-in-law is moving his apartment in February to a smaller one, and is apparently divesting himself of things he considered extraneous. He asked my husband, who just lost his mother in August remember, what he would like from the apartment. Immediately and without hesitation he said, "The piano. Mom played piano, Grandmom played piano, I played piano and [the wildflower child] loved playing it when we visited." Apparently the response was, "well I think she's too young for that! I'll have to consult music teachers to see if it is appropriate."
What the fuck? Is there an expiration date on this thing (it is an electric piano/organ)? Why wouldn't it be appropriate for a three-year-old to be able to bang out whatever she wants on that and decide if she wants lessons? And my husband asked for it specifically!
Next try. The flatware set they had when they lived in Wisconsin. This holds deep sentiment for my husband and he thought it would be nice to have. I can't even figure out what my father-in-law's response was because even my husband couldn't figure it out. He said he asked for clarification and the response to that request was "right." What? Shot down again.
Then he asked for any paintings or pictures and he was brushed off.
So in effect he was asked a question "What do you want?" but all of his answers were judged incorrect and unfulfillable. Because that's how his father works. If we don't adhere to his idea of whatever we need to be doing, he disapproves.
Hubby went on to tell me that in the parking lot when they were going their separate ways, his father asked "What am I doing wrong? I feel like you are pushing me away." And, there, in the parking lot of a Ruby Tuesday, with our daughter strapped in her carseat in the car, he told his father exactly what he was thinking.
"Everything I asked for you, you judged. You are judging whether we deserve to stay in the house. You are judging how we are together. You keep judging me and us. I asked for the piano and you are judging whether or not I know what my daughter might want or enjoy!" And on and on. Eventually he said he just stopped and went and sat in his car and his father drove off.
Fuck you very much father-in-law. The one thing my husband didn't tell you, that you deserve to hear, is you stole his ability to mourn his own mother. You have denied him the comfort a parent should offer a child in trauma. Your self-righteousness may give you comfort, but you will, and probably already have, lost your most immediate family.
Enjoy your trip home.
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