Here's the deal, back in August of this year my life went to hell. I had lost my brand new full time job for being over qualified, my grandfather, with whom I had just reconnected, died, and two weeks later my mother-in-law died, also before all that started, our bank account had been overdrawn and the mortgage payment bounced.
Due to my mother-in-law's death, we had to go to Pittsburgh for almost a week to help my father-in-law and during that time my unemployment was delayed and we got further behind on bills. In all of August I brought in just $300 of unemployment benefits and we put out much more in travel expenses and time off of work. We got further behind.
On August 25th, I officiated at the renewal of vows ceremony for friends of mine. It was a great party held very soon after we had gotten home from Pittsburgh. I was a bundle of anxiety and glad to be with people I loved. I ate, drank and was merry. I stopped drinking when I got a little fuzzy and drank water only for an hour and half before leaving to go home, overwhelmed with the need to crawl into bed with my child and hug her.
Ten minutes from my front door, I was pulled over. I had crossed the yellow line while turning off my gps because I recognized where I was. I have vertigo as I have mentioned, and tend to "fall" to the left, which can include swerving a bit. Which is why I generally try to avoid driving as much as possible. And even though I had stopped drinking hours earlier, I was over the limit and arrested for DUI.
This is the first time in my entire life that I have been in trouble like this. I am still humiliated and overwhelmed and basically terrified to get into a car in case I get pulled over again, even if I haven't had a drink in weeks.
I contacted my parents later in the day after I had gotten home to tell them what had happened, particularly my father, because he is a former police detective. He was surprisingly supportive. The truth is, I don't drink regularly and don't have an alcohol problem, I made a bad judgment in a moment of high emotions. And now I have to pay the price. I got in touch with an attorney a friend recommended and found out I could apply for the ARD program, but that it would cost up to $2000. At this point, I'm already two months behind on my mortgage and have nothing saved. My father said that he and my step-mother would take care of any and all fees and fines because this really was a mistake. In the mean time, I have interviews and court dates and constant uncertainty while waiting to get into the program. Yesterday I had the formal pre-trial arraignment. Having never been in trouble like this before, I had no idea what to expect and therefor had worked myself into a panic thinking the worst.
My father came over in time to take my daughter and I to the courthouse and it was over within an hour of getting there. Seriously, an hour. My daughter was amazing and quiet and I couldn't have been prouder. My dad was supportive. And the district attorney didn't make me feel like a total scum bag. Of course with the stress I almost fell over in front of him and that would have opened up a whole new can of worms, but I caught myself. I have a trial date next year if I don't get into or adhere to the ARD program, which of course I plan to do. I have an interview on Tuesday to see if I can get in, but as my father keeps saying, I'm the ideal candidate, since this is a one time offense and damn if I'm not contrite. So I got all worked up (per usual) for basically nothing.
Still don't know what is happening with the mortgage. My husband has been working with our lender for modification, but in the mean time they won't take any partial payments toward our delinquency so it keeps growing. I want to do things around the house, but it feels like re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Basically every day I have to fight with feelings of overwhelming hopelessness and despair. One would think that being a cam model wouldn't help at all, but on the good nights it helps tremendously. On bad nights when I don't get any private sessions or everyone just pops in and out and doesn't say anything I can get emotionally devastated. My friendly regulars are a life saver in those moments because they remind me that it isn't anything I'm doing wrong. Just fickle wankers being fickle, and rude.
It just kills me that all my current problems can be traced directly back to an overdraft in July and being cosmically screwed in August. If we hadn't had those five bad weeks, I wouldn't be at risk of homelessness. Of course I also probably wouldn't be Kir Royale and wouldn't be writing this blog or on Twitter stalking Norman Reedus. So I suppose it isn't all bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment