Balancing my life feels a little like spinning multiple plates on sticks, while throwing around live chainsaws and trying to pet a kitten all at once. During the day I am alone with my 3-year-old daughter and our cats and try to maintain my sanity while keeping her entertained and at least marginally educated and trying to minimally maintain the household. Then in the earlier part of the night I work at my telemarketing job and then in the darkest hours I'm Kir Royale. I'm also a wife and have a romantic and partnership relationship with my husband to maintain. And for the challenging cherry on top, I have a vestibular condition that causes vertigo that a therapist finally explained causes my body to be virtually constantly fighting to maintain stability in spite of damaged signals to my brian, which leads to muscle pain and exhaustion.
I get tired.
Really really tired.
Sometimes I have to take a night off. Unfortunately with the fickle nature of many cam site members, if I take too much time off, they can't find me and don't come back, or take my absence personally and don't come back. There are thousands of women online available and willing to perform and I'm only one of them. Part of the equation in getting members, is the amount of time I'm online. Which means staying on as long as possible and being on as many days of the week as possible. So far, I seem to have settled on Saturday as my night off. I know this sounds counterproductive, but it allows the most amount of time to be spent with my family and doesn't seem to cut down my (meager) earnings all that much. As far as I can tell at this point anyway. But really what it comes down to is, what can I afford physically and emotionally as well as financially. I have to make that judgment and balance and just hope that my regulars and regulars to be understand that in spite of what they see and imagine, I am a person with a life on the other side of that cam.
I had a great conversation the other night with a new to me member. He said he was just looking around and not really in the mood to spend money that night, and I said that was fine. Because to me, it really is. If you want to hang out with me and chat that's fine, I get to know you and you me and eventually if you want to spend money, perhaps you'll seek me out. He said that was a great philosophy, but honestly, it is the only way I can function on the cam site. It has to be a friendly and fun experience, or else I'll hate myself.
Through the course of the conversation he observed that he felt many men on the site forget that the models are people. That we aren't just plastic playthings to be manipulated for their pleasure. And I absolutely agree. Otherwise I wouldn't have had that horrible experience last Sunday. I have feelings. We, have feelings. The cam models have just as complicated lives and emotions as the women one meets in the real world. We just have less clothing and are more willing and ready to get naked than the woman you encounter in the grocery store. In general at least. And I'm sure some women are more adept at handling the members who have no tact than I do, but I have to draw my lines and set my limits to protect myself.
And part of that, is taking at least one night off a week for me and my family. And if you can't handle me not being available one night out of seven, then I probably don't want you as a regular anyway. If you enjoy me as a person and as a playmate, then you'll wait for me.
And I'll see you when I'm back online. <3
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