"It is always about Love."

In spite of my recent rejections and associated pain, I had an absolutely a-freakin'-amazing cam night last night.

Trying to salve some of my wounds, I had reached out to a long time member who is always fun, and scheduled a session for later that night. When the time came for us to do what we do, I was not disappointed. He is engaging and appreciative, takes direction well and is easy to please. Everything I needed. Not to mention he likes it when I use my toys, so I am pretty much guaranteed at least one orgasm. This is a very good thing.

After our session, I debated whether or not to continue on and open myself up to seeing other members and possibly being hurt more. Back and forth I wavered, remembering the flung insults from just a few days ago, knowing the pain of losing my friend was fresh right below the surface of the endomorphic rush of orgasm. I did eventually decide to take the chance. The first several minutes were depressing. Several members logging on and off, on and off, silently seeing and leaving, leaving me feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Eventually though, someone stayed.

My new virtual companion was a completely new to me member who was tentative about expressing his particular fetish. Remember though, I am completely understanding. And his need wasn't completely abhorrent to me in the moment, so I decided to give it a shot.

Apparently I did a good job. Five star rating good job.

After that session, members new and old, some I know slightly, some I know quite well, started emerging from the woodwork. There was friendly chatter and very sweet and appreciative comments about my appearance and personality. I relaxed completely. Eventually someone I hadn't seen in a while asked "so how was your day?" I had been asked about how I felt and how my day had been so many times that this final question pushed me over the edge. All night I had been saying "okay" and leaving it at that, but this time, this time I couldn't. Perhaps it was the kindness I had been shown by every single member in the chat room. Perhaps I was simply tired of hiding my pain.

"Well... I am obsessively honest, and truthfully, today sucked."

I actually told these men, some of whom are very new to hanging out with me, that I was hurting because a member to whom I had become close had severed his connection to me.

"If any of you decide to stop seeing me, please do not say, 'I hope you understand.'"

"Eww," one member responded.

Quickly the conversation turned to how what starts as fantasy in this cam world, on rare occasion, turns into intimate connections with the real people behind the handles. That what starts out so radically passionate changes when you remember or realize that there is a "real person" on the other side of the computer. It was truly eye opening and heartening to see these men talk about how special they found me because I was real to them.

Then they started taking me private.

Over and over, sometimes more than one member in the room at a time, giving and taking, asking me to find my own pleasure, giving me time and support and freedom. Eventually I was in a first-time session with a new member and we were partaking in a bit of D/S play. I had controlled him initially and now was relaxing after an orgasm and he said he needed more, to experience more of the sweetness and passion. He wanted to dominate the next part of the session. Asked if I was willing to submit. I said I was, but that I would express it if there was a line I wouldn't cross.

"It is always about Love." he responded.

Yes, it is.

Not necessarily romantic love. I don't meet my members, don't have any designs on them. But in the moment, in the intimacy of a session, I am trusting them with my vulnerability and they are trusting me with their desires. There is Love in that. And when it is reciprocal and respectful and acknowledged, the sessions are outstanding.

Not everyone Loves themselves and their own humanity enough to give it, and they feel hollow to me. As I am sure they do to themselves.

This is a lesson way beyond the cam and the bedroom and intimate relationships. "Love" makes us better people. More honest, more gentle, more giving, more willing to receive. More open.

Love shared is multiplied. Give a lot of it. You'll get even more back.

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