I think I have made it fairly clear that I do develop feelings for my members. How could I not? We "see" each other during our most vulnerable moments, naked and exposed and seeking approval and release. When there is a connection with someone on an intellectual or emotional level, the experience is better, just like it is in real life. I mean sex is great, we all love sex, but sex with someone you actually like is worlds better, there's just no way around that. But the truth, the cold hard truth, of the matter is I am a luxury expense, a past-time, a stress relief, or a fantasy to most people who come to me on the cam. No matter what they say or type or compose in beautiful emails or hours long exchanges, I am not their girlfriend or their partner or the woman in their life. I am a diversion, a flight of fancy, and I am disposable.
There have been a handful of members over the last six months that have touched me deeply, or at least as deeply as someone you've never actually met can. People who's handles immediately make me sit up straighter, smile brighter, feel happier when I see them sign on. People I think about randomly and hope they are doing well, like you would a friend. People I become attached too.
And then like that, poof, they are gone.
I'm 37-years-old, I'm married, I am a mother. I am not a lovestruck teenager. But damn it if it doesn't hurt to be cast aside without even a "sorry, I just don't have time to spend online anymore" or "I'm working on my relationship and she's not very understanding" or "I'm just not that into you." Something. Anything to let me know what is going on.
Otherwise I keep looking for the handle to appear. Hoping to see my friend. Hear how his day went. Laugh at a silly joke or ridiculous story. Flirt. Have fun.
And it never does.
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