A stained canvas

I have become the canvas members paint their fanatsies upon with no regard of the stains left on my life.

I suppose this is a side effect of being a cam model who also listens, cares and feels. I don't know what the other models do to protect their hearts and souls and personal lives. All I know is my own.

I am blessed that many of the people I have "met" through the modeling are quite nice. Not all obviously, but many. They treat me with respect and admiration, perhaps even a distance reflection of love. I am grateful for their time, attention, and of course financial contributions.

Then there those who appear to be helpful or kind and really ave absolutely no interest in me being real. I am a porn magazine page with a pulse and a voice. A fuck doll who moves. They may say pretty things and shower me with praise, but they don't actually see me. What they see is a shadow of their own lust, a puppet they can direct and manipulate.

I have lost nights of sleep and struggled with internal debates after propositions. I have had to have deep and careful conversations with my husband about what we are willing to do in certain situations. I have been promised and cajolled and tempted and teased. And those that do the teasing and tempting and cajolling and promising turn away from their fantasies without a thought of how I may feel when they've gone and changed their minds or recinded a promise or proposal.

I am very lucky that currently my husband and I are doing very well in our relationship and can talk without pain or arguments about traditonally taboo subjects. Otherwise I would be carrying the burden of the stain alone. Rejected and dismissed in the light of the day.

I am always good enought in the dark of the night, but not worth it after the lust is spent. I would think these men would be glad that I am as understanding as I am, as I learn many things, personal things, but would never destroy a life or cause them pain, in spite of the pain I may suffer. I fade back into the dark corners and never infringe upon their lives like they have infringed upon mine.

I was offered a gift this weekend in exchange for my time and attention. I questioned the validity of the offer multiple times during the conversation and was assured it was for real. After a sleepless night and nervous day I told my husband. And we agreed the gift would be extremely helpful during our financial hardship, and would not require too much of my time.

Of course after all this, the sleepless night, the fear of bringing this to my husband, the internal debate... The offer was rescinded.

He will forget and feel confident that he did the right thing. That he is honorable and good and devoted to his life partner. Perhaps he will paint my face or body on his masturbatory sessions once in a while.
With what am I left? How do I wash away the stain of not only considering and discussing this offer, but wanting the gift so badly to help my family?

Apologies simply aren't enough.