My ride into work, which is between 20 and 30 minutes long depending on traffic, is one of the few times I'm completely alone and I have a habit of sinking into my own thoughts.
It is only Tuesday and I can say this week just is not going as well as last week. I haven't heard from a few friends that in the past would respond when I reached out. One has been silent for just over a week, another for a few weeks, and yet another for several days. I am almost physically restraining myself from assuming the worst, that I've been discarded yet again. But in silent moments in the car, the wave of loneliness crashes over me and I feel abandoned by friends I had allowed myself to become dependent upon.
I can't even discuss what has transpired with another friend. But it feels like loss.
I still don't know what my husband's DUI blood test will reveal. And that hangs over my head like Poe's deadly pendulum.
I don't always show it, but I feel things deeply, become attached firmly, and fear abandonment. Probably not the best emotional profile for a cam model, but no one is perfect.
The superstitious part of me hopes that if I express my concerns openly, I'll find emails in my inbox tonight. I'll try not to hope too hard...
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