Disposable

I'm having a sad day.

I was feeling rather strong and resilient for a while, and then something, I know not what, tipped me over to an emotion a bit softer than despair, a bit sharper than melancholy.

I've lost another friend.

Maybe he's reading this and hating me for sharing.

I share. It is how I cope. How I remind myself I'm real. So many of my interactions are online, semi-anonymous, virtual. But they are still real. I am real.

I am feeling disposable again. And once again, I understand. Always understanding, always left wondering why I attract people who find it so easy to hurt me. My husband lashes out at me when he feels like he failed in some way. A friend hurls insults. A kindred spirit walks away without a moment of remorse. Members who proclaim deepest attraction disappear without warning.

I am disposable. My friendship, is disposable.

It is a side effect of doing what I do as a cam model and being outside of the mainstream. I am "other." And if I'm not part of the in crowd, it is so easy, so very easy, to forget that I have feelings.

I will not delete this post. It is how I feel in this moment. Like all the abandonments I've experienced are crashing over me again. I am tired, and can't sleep. Lonely, and don't want to be around anyone.

I am sad.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be less sad.