Projections

We all project ideas of what we want from others onto them. Sometimes those projections match up and we get exactly what we expected. On other occasions we don't, and the disconnect can be jarring and painful.

I complain about humanity fairly regularly, but I actually like people. I like making new friends and being involved in interpersonal relationships. I enjoy the back and forth between people. I suppose I'm social.

In the last few months or so I've made a conscious effort to be more social, get out of my house, be involved in communities. I still have a long way to go, but I've met more "real world" people since April then I had in the previous year. I do not believe it is a weakness to enjoy the company of friends. And still, because of the nature of my life and my jobs, the vast majority of people I meet are online. They are still quite "real" to me and I do make connections that matter. As you can see from previous posts. I don't really hide much about who I am when I'm on cam. Some aspects may be tweaked, and of course I'm not giving out my physical address or phone number to any member who asks. But personality wise, I am what you see. Sometimes I have to paste on a smile if my heart is breaking, or feign interest in a topic that's just not my thing, but doesn't offend me, but that's a part of the job and I don't feel that it diminishes me as a person to do those things.

I believe many people meet me on the cam site with expectations of what I am and I either fit those expectations, or don't. My ability or not to fit someone else's idea of what I should be, is not my responsibility.

I have adapted a lot of aspects of my behavior and personality over the years as my choice to make my life better. But I have no obligation to change in order to ease another's discomfort with my reality. And I cannot force another to change to suit mine. Of course in relationships we adjust to each other out of love and affection and giving. That is a willing change, a giving change, a gift of grace, and I do not resent the changes I have made in myself based on those inspirations. But I won't be forced into a mould I don't fit for another person's convenience.

I am currently dealing with the issues of my marriage and wondering if my husband is capable of healing and being entirely the man I see sometimes. I want him to change aspects of his behavior and how he treats us. But I can't force him to do so. He will, out of his own desire to be whole, or he won't. And we will deal with the consequences either way. That needs to be my focus. I hope I have friends who love me and can support me while I'm going through this, but if needed, I'll do it alone, I have before.

I'm not angry now. I am sad. I am sad about so many things in my life at this moment. I am sad that my love isn't enough for some people. I am sad that I seem to attract abuse. I am sad. I hope that tomorrow I am less sad.