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Disposable

I'm having a sad day.

I was feeling rather strong and resilient for a while, and then something, I know not what, tipped me over to an emotion a bit softer than despair, a bit sharper than melancholy.

I've lost another friend.

Maybe he's reading this and hating me for sharing.

I share. It is how I cope. How I remind myself I'm real. So many of my interactions are online, semi-anonymous, virtual. But they are still real. I am real.

I am feeling disposable again. And once again, I understand. Always understanding, always left wondering why I attract people who find it so easy to hurt me. My husband lashes out at me when he feels like he failed in some way. A friend hurls insults. A kindred spirit walks away without a moment of remorse. Members who proclaim deepest attraction disappear without warning.

I am disposable. My friendship, is disposable.

It is a side effect of doing what I do as a cam model and being outside of the mainstream. I am "other." And if I'm not part of the in crowd, it is so easy, so very easy, to forget that I have feelings.

I will not delete this post. It is how I feel in this moment. Like all the abandonments I've experienced are crashing over me again. I am tired, and can't sleep. Lonely, and don't want to be around anyone.

I am sad.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be less sad.

Thinking in the car...

My ride into work, which is between 20 and 30 minutes long depending on traffic, is one of the few times I'm completely alone and I have a habit of sinking into my own thoughts.

It is only Tuesday and I can say this week just is not going as well as last week. I haven't heard from a few friends that in the past would respond when I reached out. One has been silent for just over a week, another for a few weeks, and yet another for several days. I am almost physically restraining myself from assuming the worst, that I've been discarded yet again. But in silent moments in the car, the wave of loneliness crashes over me and I feel abandoned by friends I had allowed myself to become dependent upon.

I can't even discuss what has transpired with another friend. But it feels like loss.

I still don't know what my husband's DUI blood test will reveal. And that hangs over my head like Poe's deadly pendulum.

I don't always show it, but I feel things deeply, become attached firmly, and fear abandonment. Probably not the best emotional profile for a cam model, but no one is perfect.

The superstitious part of me hopes that if I express my concerns openly, I'll find emails in my inbox tonight. I'll try not to hope too hard...

Projections

We all project ideas of what we want from others onto them. Sometimes those projections match up and we get exactly what we expected. On other occasions we don't, and the disconnect can be jarring and painful.

I complain about humanity fairly regularly, but I actually like people. I like making new friends and being involved in interpersonal relationships. I enjoy the back and forth between people. I suppose I'm social.

In the last few months or so I've made a conscious effort to be more social, get out of my house, be involved in communities. I still have a long way to go, but I've met more "real world" people since April then I had in the previous year. I do not believe it is a weakness to enjoy the company of friends. And still, because of the nature of my life and my jobs, the vast majority of people I meet are online. They are still quite "real" to me and I do make connections that matter. As you can see from previous posts. I don't really hide much about who I am when I'm on cam. Some aspects may be tweaked, and of course I'm not giving out my physical address or phone number to any member who asks. But personality wise, I am what you see. Sometimes I have to paste on a smile if my heart is breaking, or feign interest in a topic that's just not my thing, but doesn't offend me, but that's a part of the job and I don't feel that it diminishes me as a person to do those things.

I believe many people meet me on the cam site with expectations of what I am and I either fit those expectations, or don't. My ability or not to fit someone else's idea of what I should be, is not my responsibility.

I have adapted a lot of aspects of my behavior and personality over the years as my choice to make my life better. But I have no obligation to change in order to ease another's discomfort with my reality. And I cannot force another to change to suit mine. Of course in relationships we adjust to each other out of love and affection and giving. That is a willing change, a giving change, a gift of grace, and I do not resent the changes I have made in myself based on those inspirations. But I won't be forced into a mould I don't fit for another person's convenience.

I am currently dealing with the issues of my marriage and wondering if my husband is capable of healing and being entirely the man I see sometimes. I want him to change aspects of his behavior and how he treats us. But I can't force him to do so. He will, out of his own desire to be whole, or he won't. And we will deal with the consequences either way. That needs to be my focus. I hope I have friends who love me and can support me while I'm going through this, but if needed, I'll do it alone, I have before.

I'm not angry now. I am sad. I am sad about so many things in my life at this moment. I am sad that my love isn't enough for some people. I am sad that I seem to attract abuse. I am sad. I hope that tomorrow I am less sad.

So... Censorship

I really don't like being told what I can and cannot say or write or think. And I do my best to avoid putting that restriction on other people. There are exceptions, because of course I'm a hypocrite, for instance, don't use "rape" as a joke or lightly with me. It isn't funny, it isn't a type of consensual sex, and it makes me sick. I would rather people not tell me what I'm thinking, I tend to react negatively to that and try my hardest not to tell others what I think they are thinking.

I've been censoring myself lately and I don't like it. I have a feeling even expressing this discomfort will be a problem, but I'm done.

I'm Kir, I'm a semi-public entity, I write a blog. I have tattoos, piercings, a brand, a thing for attachment parenting, respectful control games, body rituals and vegetarianism. I'm bisexual, don't like monogamy and speak my mind. I prefer being sober to not. I would rather find natural or non-pharmacological treatments to my health issues if possible, but I'll take my medications when I have to. I love zombie stories, would fuck Isaac Marion in a heartbeat and think Rick from "The Walking Dead" TV show needs to die. I am a sentimental fool and hold onto people and memories much too long sometimes.

I only say "No" when I mean it.

Take me as I am, or not. I'm getting stronger and healthier and more "me" every day and I'm very proud of my accomplishments and who I am. And I'm very willing to share my enjoyment and joy with friends who love me.

Trying to move on...

Nothing has been resolved with the husband. Nothing ever is. I do love him when he is the man he could be all the time. He can be funny, gentle, kind, giving, attentive. Unfortunately for a long time he's been more mean, selfish, dishonest, mercurial and ugly than the good things. But I am a victim of Hope and keep staying calm and moving on.

In spite of everything, I went to work on Saturday, did not do well at all, but then I had my Summer Solstice party Saturday evening and that was great. I wish I could spend time with these friends more often, but even once a month or so is so rejuvenating.

Everyone looks good in the dark, and by candlelight.

Look at me, completely relaxed.

Today I was so tired, I had to have Hubby get V ready to get picked up for her day with my family while I tried to sleep just a little longer before my meeting. What was my state's chapter of the Modified Dolls has just decided to break off and become our own local non-profit and today was the first meeting of the "Tattooed, Not Heartless" organization. We will be modified individuals working to raise funds and awareness for local charities while working to erase the negative stereotypes associated with body modification.

Then I met my family for some time at my aunt's house and had way too much dessert after dinner. But hey. I haven't been eating enough for days.

I still don't know what to believe. I am waiting for the results of my husband's blood draw to determine how much I can believe him. But at least I still have friends who love me, a daughter who is amazing, the cutest cats in the world. Seriously. And some damn fine ink.

And now I have to go to bed. My new tattoo is annoyed with me and wants me to go lay down with my arm straight so the ink doesn't come out. It is in the crook of my elbow. Because I'm a nut.

Good night world.

I love you.

No makeup

I didn't wear makeup to work today. Hell, I didn't even wear a belt and my jeans are falling off my ass. Didn't style my hair. Didn't make any effort to be seen.

Yesterday, I dressed to the hilt in rocker chick black, velvet platform sandals, plaid sparkly fedora, perfect makeup. I felt like a goddess. I know I'm not perfect, but it didn't matter, I looked good because I felt great.

Today, I want to disappear.

I have friends coming over in about three hours to eat, celebrate the beginning of summer, and just enjoy each other's company.

I am dreading this. But I know their love will help, even though I can't really talk about what is wrong.

The house is clean, food is made, lavender iced tea is brewing. Soon I will have to take a shower, and do my hair and makeup. But right now I am blank, naked, bare.

This is me. Just me.