Crystal

Today is our crystal anniversary (or watches if you are using the "modern" list). That's fifteen years if you aren't in the "marketing shit no one needs to people who like to be stuck up about it" market.

Fifteen years we've been married. Last year I remember asking my boss if I could use a 15 minute pass to go home early I was so excited to spend just a little bit more time with him event though things had been rough, we were doing okay.

This year, I keep crying. And not happy tears.

I feel starved for romance, intimacy, honesty, a gentle touch with no ulterior motive, a selfless act, trust.

I feel bitter and hard and mean because I can't tell if he is telling me the truth and I doubt everything. I am terrified all the time that the world will come crashing down around my ears and there is nothing I will be able to do to stop it.

I want to be able to model good relationships for my daughter, and I am miserable and tired and angry.

I want to not be a provoker (as Al-Anon describes it), but I don't know how to talk to him about his issues without sounding like a nagging bitch.

He tells me multiple times a day that he loves me. But it sounds so empty.

He says he's "trying so hard!" to make things work and our lives better, but doesn't actually make any moves to take care of very important issues until I am crazy with worry and stress. And then does the minimum to shut me up and puts it on the back burner again until I boil over with rage in the future.

This is not a good relationship.

I want it to be.

I don't hate him.

He's a good father. He loves our daughter, and our cats, and says he loves me. But I don't make any impression on him to change, or at least change enough to allay my fears.

Recently he was acting erratically and had been sleeping most of the afternoon. When I came into the living room with my snack to watch TV he almost exploded in rage claiming I was looking at him like I was furious. Laying there on the daybed stretched out and snapping at me for looking at him wrong.

I had glanced at him as I made my way to the chair to see if he was awake and I might have been frowning because I was stressed and concerned and didn't know if he was sober or not.

He has admitted to me in the last few months that he has been abusive. Not physically. He doesn't hit me. But since that admission he has done nothing to get the help he needs to be a complete and healthy person.

Oh he went to the doctor, and eventually got the blood work that was ordered, but he won't do counseling or AA. And I'm about 90% sure he's still smoking since he didn't finish his Chantix prescription and the car smelled like smoke yesterday. But he lies so easily.

I want to be happy for my 15th wedding anniversary. To feel loved and safe and like this is an accomplishment of which I can be proud. I want to be part of an equal and loving partnership that can survive the slings and arrows of the days.

I just keep working on myself and trying to be a good mother. Leading by example I guess. I truly don't know what else to do.