A lot on my mind

I know I haven't posted in a while, I've been dealing with chronic exhaustion, personal stress, relationship stress, painting a little bit, trying some hoop flow choreographies, applying for a slightly elevated postion at work, you know, life...

But something has been bothering me so much the last several days, I just have to write it out.

I'm following a lot of "Mommy" pages on Facebook. A lot. Mostly related to breastfeeding, gentle parenting and humor. I just joined a new page about breastfeeding and mama talk, and one of the first posts I see is about piercing baby's ears.

If you've ever seen me, I'm obviously pierced. Also tattooed (11) and branded (yes, branded) and have had big huge hooks put through my skin from which I hung for hours. I'm a personal fan of modification. 

I am completely and totally against modifying infants. All of it. I'm an intactivist and would not have circumcised a son had I had one. I will not pierce my daughter's ears until she is old enough to ask for it and understand what it means. Hell, I don't even cut her hair and make sure she's happy with it long. If she wants it cut off, I'll do that for her. IT IS HER BODY! I have no right to change it. 

Parents say things like, "get it done early when they don't remember the pain." This is in relationship to both the relatively "mild" modification of piercing ears and the horrible dismemberment of circumcision. It isn't that they don't experience the pain, but they don't understand what it is, can't express their pain and fear and confusion and never talk about it later. That doesn't mean they don't internalize that at some point in their early, new, fresh, life, their own parents actually caused them pain. For the parents' own comfort or aesthetic. 

And this brings me to the thought that has been banging around in my head for days. Why is it that parents can do things to children, and not only get away with it, but be completely supported by medical staff or family or society, but if they did them to another adult they would be condemned, vilified, persecuted and probably imprisoned? 

Think about it. 

It is completely legal, and often "encouraged" to circumcise infant males. Over a hundred baby boys die every year (in the U.S. alone) from complications as a result of this "routine" (and completely unnecessary) procedure. 

If you were to tie down an adult intact male and forcefully remove his foreskin without anesthetic or post procedure pain medications, and most importantly, without his informed consent, you would be guilty of assault, sexual abuse, torture, and who knows what else. 

But it is completely acceptable to do this to your son. 

If you were to take your adult girlfriend to a Piercing Pagoda and force her to sit still while an untrained clerk shoves blunt "piercing studs" through her ears with an unsterilized piercing gun even though she never asked for her ears pierced, you would be arrested in the parking lot. 

But go ahead and do that to your daughter. Better yet, get your pediatrician, who has absolutely no experience with body piercing, to do it as part of a "routine infant check-up."

I really hope you got the sarcasm in my remarks. 

And on that note...

No, that's called "child abuse" and no one, NO ONE, has any right to lay a hand on my child, nor should any child be subjected to the confusion, agony, and psychological damage that spanking causes. 

Which means you are afraid of a world run by adults who were raised to know their feelings, learned respect by being modeled respect, and learned the value of being part of something without having to crush those around them to find worth? How sad. Move aside and let progress happen.

Because this is how you treat another human being and expect to be respected and loved? 

Trash like the above shows up on my Facebook feed daily. And people "LOL" and "AMEN!" and "if I ever said 'boo' to my parents they would whoop my ass!" And then wonder why the world is so mean, so cruel. Why there are so many children "going wrong." 

Trust me, they aren't going wrong by lack of spanking, by lack of "being told what to do" by lack of "parenting." 

In fact, spanking is more and more being proven dangerous, damaging and ineffectual as a parenting "tool" in recognized and respected research. And around the world 30 countries have banned physical punishment of children everywhere, even at home. 

Why is it, that the tenants of attachment or instinctual parenting are so reviled by this society that anything that doesn't condone violence against or control of or subjugation of our children is considered laughable, naive and ridiculous? 

When my daughter throws a temper tantrum, I hug her gently and soothe her, ask her what she is feeling, if she has the words, try to bring her back to Earth and give her the tools to understand I'm here, I love her, it is okay if she is angry and frustrated and tired and just cranky, I'll still love her. Always.

When other people want to touch her or demand kisses or hugs, I let her say "no." She shouldn't be forced to touch or be touched by anyone ever.

Today I introduced her to the lemon thyme we brought inside. Showed her how to rub the leaves and smell the lemony freshness. Told her that when she feels frustrated or angry, she can go to that corner and rub the leaves and calm down. And she glowed. And ran to get her favorite stuffed animal and show her the lemon thyme. 

A friend shared this poem and I try to live this way. Scoff if you must, but my daughter knows I love her. And her love heals the old wounds of my life. And that's what parenting is really about. 


Let me sit with my baby 
And play for a while, 
And forget all
my unfinished work
with a smile,
For every tomorrow 
holds work to be done, 
But lullaby moments 
and peek-a-boo fun
Are life's tender treasures
meant just for today,
For babies grow up. . . 
and the years
slip away. 






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