"Nothing is permanent. Not even the end of the world." Isaac Marion "The New Hunger"
I read that this morning at almost 5:00 a.m. and it hit me like a meteor. Now I have two ideas rotating around in my brain. The image of a mobius strip, and the concept of all things being impermanent. Finite and infinite. And I'm comfortable in this moment balancing between those two thoughts.
"Nothing endures but change." Heraclitus
Ironically, I absolutely hate change in general. I am a creature of habit. A bit obsessive about my habits actually. Okay, perhaps more than a bit... But for some reason, this idea that only change is constant, that nothing is permanent, is comforting. I can look at the mobius strip in my head and trace its contours and know that each pathway I see and navigate is slightly different because I'm different, the moment is different.
So often I try to convince myself that I am exactly the same person I was in college, which has been fossilized and preserved in my memory as some sort of ideal time, even though I know in fact it was as horrible as it was blessed. There is no way I'm the same person I was back then. Superficial changes include; I'm now a vegetarian, I quit smoking, I'm a mother, I am married, I'm tattooed and branded. Internally I'm more politically active, I feel more connection to my community, I am more concerned about my spiritual growth.
I've changed. In spite of myself I've changed.
I'm facing major, huge, upheavals in my life. The kind of changes that can erode the bedrock of reality. I have to accept that there is only so much I can do to prevent or prepare for this change. For the potentiality of losing my home and having to move. As alone as I feel in this, I have to know, truly know, that I'm not. My family is doing everything they can to help us. My husband is fighting tooth and nail and to do what has to happen to give us the best chance. My daughter loves me and is fantastic. I have friends who care what happens. I am not alone. I am changing, I am facing change, but I am not alone, I am not disappearing.
"Nothing is permanent. Not even the end of the world."
And if you ever question my love of zombie stories again, just remember, they are all about survival, and that's the theme of my life right now. Survival. And apparently, change. And those two things seem pretty much like evolution to me. Guess I'm evolving somehow, into something else. Something more than Kir was yesterday. Hopefully something better.
"Nothing endures but change."
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