Moments ago, with absolutely no warning, the most intense, physical sensation of loneliness washed over me, making my scalp prickle, breath catch, heart race. I know my daughter is right there, right over there watching TV, but she might as well be miles away for all the connection I feel in this moment.
I should be painting or sketching, or writing something fucking epic. Instead I'm sitting on my old dining room chair in front of the computer, trembling, because I feel like I'll never connect to anyone ever again. I know this feeling will pass. I'm sure everyone has felt it at one point or another. I simply get struck down more than I would like.
The ache is making me dizzy. I want to curl around my core and hold myself like I need someone to hold me. Turn myself into a mobius strip so there is no beginning or end and everything is on the same side. My hands are shaking and I am struggling to find the words to convey these feelings without sounding trite, or completely insane.
Stomach is clenched tight, breath is shallow, loneliness is edging toward panic. I force that beast DOWN because there is no reason to panic in my dining room today. Vision swims, struggling damn hard to see the screen, need this to end. Smile and laugh when my daughter makes a joke. Chat with a friend on facebook. Be normal. Be normal. Be normal. Why the fuck did I sign up for all those stupid emails? Every time I see my phone flash I cringe because it is another notice, not a note from someone who cares. Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe. Be normal. Be normal.
Lonely.
Panic.
STOP IT!
STOP IT!
STOP! IT! DAMN IT!
This is my fucking head. My world. I smile and am cheerful when you look at me. Inside my skull I am screaming. Not always. Not necessarily often. But when I do, it is shattering.
Maybe I should have gotten more than 4 1/2 hours of sleep. Perhaps that would help. But I had such a difficult night last night. Finally, FINALLY, I was getting real, interested, appreciative, PAYING members. And in the middle of an outstanding session, the internet goes out. After trying to fix it for 20 minutes my husband called our provider and found out it was a scheduled maintenance shut down that they didn't tell us about. I had been edging in the session, so I was left on the edge, with no internet and no idea if it would come back on in time. This is a terrible sensation. I was a towering (well 5'1") inferno of frustration and rage. I managed to keep in touch with two people through my phone, and email bomb a couple others while I waited for the internet to come back up.
Then there was a spider.
We both survived. I'll leave it at that.
Eventually the internet was restored and I got back online and started making real money on the cam site, and my computer crashed. Got back online yet again. Made a bit more money. Was going to make more money and my daughter woke up. I could hear her running around upstairs. So I had to sign off and check on her. And then I couldn't sleep.
Be normal. Be normal. Be normal.
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