Last night was going to be great. I thought it was anyway. I had a decent night at work. Got a headache under control before wanting to shove a fork in my eye. Came home and my daughter was snuggly and sweet. Hubby seemed okay, not great, but okay. And I was in the mood to do more hula hooping and then go online.
That was the plan anyway.
I got V to at least pretend to go to sleep, so many kisses and hugs and last sips of water. But every time I left her room with a smile. How can you not?
While hubby was watching his nightly sitcom I made tumeric and ginger tea (antioxidant/anti-inflammatory) and told him I wanted to go outside to hoop once she was quiet. All seemed fine.
I had fun hooping. Got a little bit of a sweat on, stretched well. Then got ready to go on cam.
The second I was ready to sign on, I could hear him cough. I did sign on, was talking to some long time friends, just relaxing, but the sounds upstairs didn't stop. I know he hates to be able to hear me working so I signed off and went to check on him.
He was congested and coughing and I tried to offer tea or water or anything... But that wasn't really the problem, because it rarely is.
We aren't in a good place right now. Some things are okay, but others, important areas, are not.
I really have tried to do what I can to be a better partner. I'm not perfect, and I'm far from warm and fuzzy particularly to those closest to me. But I have tried. I make sure not to interrupt when he is talking. I modulate my tone of voice. I have tried to be more sexually available. I have supported him all through his mother's illness and death. I try to keep up with his relationship with his father. I praise him constantly for being a good father. Have supported his job. Am constantly keeping in touch with him. Try to express happiness more clearly.
Relationships are about adapting to each other and compromise, I know this, but I feel like I'm getting very little back for my efforts.
I can't get over him sneering "Bitch!" at me and slamming the door. I know a marriage isn't a contest but still, I can't win. I do not want to throw in the towel, but there has to be some reciprocity here! Yes, he has done amazing things over the last few years, but so many of them are in response to a crisis that essentially, he caused. He refuses to address his alcoholism. He demands that I express appreciation and then refuses to see it when I do. I mean I clearly remember gushing over work he had done on our landscaping and his response was "I really don't think you appreciate what I've done here." What? The? Hell?
He says he doesn't read this blog because every time he does it's a slap in the face. I'm sorry Love. But this is how I feel.
My biggest fear is he's turning into his father. I look at him and I see his father. I hear the judgment and disapproval and control. The physical intimidation. The emotional manipulation.
Yes, I have more fun with some of my members on cam then I have with him, because he is not fun to be around right now. He has hurt me. He has betrayed me. And he has disrespected me. Why wouldn't I be looking for appreciation and positive emotions? I can't talk about this with anyone in my family or my friends because honestly, they are tired of hearing it and I know that the sighs and eyebrow lifts will drive me mad.
I don't know what to do.
On the flip side, today with V has been brilliant and she wrote her name (the short version) THREE TIMES! I couldn't be prouder. She also read "CAT" and is now obsessed with the letter "Q" although if I let her watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation" that may change.
She is truly an astonishing child and I am so blessed to be her mother.
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