I only started the web cam modeling gig late last month. And a few days after I started, I got sick for almost a week and didn't feel like "performing." So all in all, I'm very new at this. Well, at the web cam part of it anyway.
I had no idea how quickly I would get regular clients. I am not particularly in love with my body. I'm out of shape, have stretch marks and cellulite and am far from perky. I'm in the later half of my 30s, but I've always taken care of my skin, so I do look younger than I am but I don't look anything like the porn stars and models in adult videos and magazines. I have tattoos on my chest and leg and a labret, but other than that, I'm pretty normal, even plain. If you saw me in the supermarket you probably wouldn't think twice.
When I get ready to perform for the cam, I wear dramatic eye makeup and a long black curly wig that actually looks fairly natural. I wear very basic high cut underwear and a sweater or robe that I can drape flatteringly over my chest, and sparkly jewelry. My current performance space is a chair in a corner of my basement. The walls are covered with blankets and I have a space heater. The chair is covered with pillows and red throws and the laptop I use is on a cabinet next to the chair. I can move it around if I have to. Lighting is always a problem. I glow and look washed out sometimes. I light candles and sometimes incense and play music through Pandora on my phone. I always have a crystal wine glass full of water. I also have a baby monitor in case my daughter wakes up and I have to go to her.
"Going downstairs" as my husband and I call it, has become something I look forward to. It only took two weeks for it to become part of my normal routine and something that has the potential to make me feel good about myself and pay some of our ever increasing debts. Not everyone is fantastic, but I get called "gorgeous," "beautiful," "cutie," "sexy," "perfect" and "hot" multiple times every night that I work. Even in just a short time, I have had one client come to see me four times and another twice. Knowing that there are men out there who actually look for me is a turn on. I have felt invisible and past my prime for a long time now, and I had no idea how empowering this could be.
I don't think being a sex worker is for everyone, nor do I think it is a cure all for not feeling sexy, but so far, in my limited experience, it is working for me. And for my husband. Because I feel better about myself, I'm more willing to be physical with him. And we have started being nicer to each other in spite of all the stress that our lives are under. I try to give him some "one on one" time before I go downstairs and perform for my clients and he supports what I am doing. It took time and a lot of conversations that were not comfortable, but we have gotten to a space where we are both accepting of this part of my life. And I sure hope it stays that way.
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