How not to be an asshole when a telemarketer calls

At this point I've been doing the telemarketing gig for about a year and a half. The system I work on has a computerized dialer, so I sit in my cubicle in front of a computer with almost no programs on it, watching my screen and waiting for a beep in my ear to tell me that I have a live person (theoretically) on the other end of the line. That beep can come as fast every every few seconds if I'm not actually connecting with live people, or it can be minutes in between calls. Either way I'm making (receiving) hundreds of calls a week. And I work part-time!

Telemarketing as I do it is a numbers game. How many live people do I actually connect with, are those people the actual person I'm looking for, are they interested in the offer I'm pitching, are they qualified to be passed on to the next stage of the offer... Out of the hundreds of calls I make a week, only a fraction of those hit. The vast majority are duds for one reason or another. Mostly this doesn't bother me, but there are some things that just get under my skin. Like splinters. Irritating me for much longer than the actual call lasted. I believe that these little irritations grow and colour my entire life in their small way. Niceness matters folks. Spreading meanness only brings us all down, where as being polite or kind elevates. So with that in mind, here's a list of things not to do when a telemarketer calls. Unless you enjoy being a total asshole.

Don't belch, fart, whistle, scream or otherwise make a loud obnoxious noise into the phone with the only intention of grossing out, or even hurting, the telemarketer on the other end. Depending on your loud noise of choice you could potentially cause real damage (yes, air horns have been used), and when the telemarketer hangs up, your number WILL go into the queue to be called again.

Don't go off into a vulgar monologue about how much a "dip shit" I am for calling you (that word has been used more than once) especially if you have already identified yourself as a business. While I personally am an ethical person and have not done this, your number is right there on the screen, google is everywhere, your business can be located, yelped and discredited because you were the dip shit that decided to cuss out a telemarketer. I was just doing my job, you are the one who went negative.

Don't pretend to be the person I was trying to reach in order to be funny. This is mostly directed at teenage boys who think it is a lark to impersonate their fathers and keep me on the line while feeding me increasingly obviously bull crap information. Good job you! You managed to waste two minutes of my time being a jerk. Hope it made your afternoon. All that energy would be better focused on your civics homework or playing with yourself in your room before your parents get home.

Don't make answering machine messages that sound like you actually answered the phone but can't hear the person on the other end of the line. It's simply not funny and you have outed yourself as having a juvenile sense of humor.

Don't tell me that you can't take the call because you are; sitting on the toilet, having sex, masturbating, or otherwise involved in an activity you wouldn't want a total stranger to see. Do I have to explain why you shouldn't do that? Seriously, it is just rude and creepy.

Don't assume that I know what you were doing when I called. Do you know what a person is doing the moment you call them? I have no idea, most of the time I don't even know what time zone I'm calling for a second or two after the call connects, and I don't know you or your daily schedule. Sorry I called while you were sitting down to dinner, but I have no control over that. Just say you aren't interested and go on with your night.

Don't think I can't hear you when you put the phone against your chest or cover the receiver to tell someone in the room that "it's another damn telemarketer." I can hear you!

Don't believe that by huffing and hanging up, my company will stop calling. We won't.

In short, try not to be an asshole. How hard is it to be a decent human being even if you are totally uninterested in the offer? A little niceness goes a very long way.



2 comments:

  1. I was a telemarketer for all of two weeks back in my early 20s. It was for a charity with solid leads of people who had indicated they wanted to donate to this charity. They still weren't nice. I think I only made one sale.

    It's a testament to your character that you've been able to withstand the winds of stupidity thrown your way.

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    1. Who said I withstand them? Very often I go on break, fling my earpiece across my desk and stalk off to the restroom to bitch on Twitter.

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