Love, Loss and Late Nights

I feel like I'm failing as a mother. My daughter can be unfocused and inattentive, impulsive and defiant at school, and at home, and her teachers think she has ADD. I've been wracking my brain and working with my step-mother and aunt for suggestions on behavior modification to help her stay more focused and work on getting positive attention rather than negative. But all I ever hear from the school is when she's not doing well.

I have such a short period of time between now and my surgery, and she has a medical appointment as well next Thursday and I'm feeling so crunched for time to "fix it" before my beautiful, funny, exuberant, exasperating, weirdo of a daughter gets labelled and given up upon. I love her with every fiber of my being and I cannot allow her to become the failure that her father is, and that I avoid by the skin of my teeth.

I'm so afraid, still, of trying anything, of change. So I focus on the things going on right now to the exclusion of everything else.

I just want her to be better than I am.

And my best friend had to euthanize his dog today and I can't stop crying and it doesn't seem like it should hurt this much but it does because it all hurts right now. And why did I ask to have "depression" removed from my medical chart when damnit, I'm not okay.

And my fucking ex-husband is traipsing around California on an extended vacation and not paying child support while I'm facing at least two weeks off and holiday time I don't have covered so Christmas is going to be tight this year. Especially since my car is making a funny noise, and I have to get the radiator flushed for winter.

I need a hug. But the only person who really hugs me lately is small and asleep and gets up early for school and I shouldn't wake her. But I really want to wake her up and make hot chocolate and watch movies under a blanket. But that would really not be being a good mother would it?

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