Dear Francis Ford Coppola,
You Sir, owe me an apology for the hour and 20 some minutes of my life I will never get back after watching "Twixt" during a fit of insomnia.
I naively believed that with the combination of your historically significant cinematic achievements, the occasionally fantastic performances of Val Kilmer, and the always charming Ben Chaplin, I would be in for a late night treat. I was even eager to see what the young and talented Elle Fanning had to offer.
The answer? Not much.
Except for a brief few moments during which Kilmer as "Hal Baltimore" (dear God was there an "Alex Delaware" novel next to your writing desk at some point?) riffs opening lines at his computer screen in a refreshingly funny and relaxed manner reminiscent of "Real Genius" and "Willow," the movie was confused, poorly acted, visually ridiculous and overloaded with attempts at symbolism, religious fanaticism, and maybe time travel, but that last part might be a reach because honestly, I don't have the foggiest idea (see what I did there? Referencing "fog?" No fog on the lake!) how the mass murder and the kids living across the lake (are they really vampires? Really?) could be in the same place and time based on the newspaper clippings. Just because the clothing and motorcycle would not be historically accurate.
And trying to turn "V" into "Vickie" AND Poe's late wife/cousin all at the same time? No. Just, no.
Since I cannot reclaim the lost time spent waiting for some glimmer of greatness in this piece of digital wreckage, all I can ask is whether or not there is a specific combination of pharmaceuticals or a cocktail of some nature that would make this film make sense.
Ben Chaplin should play Edgar Allan Poe again, in a better film. He was great. The bright orange lantern in every scene was distracting and unnecessary.
Val Kilmer tried. At least I know he's still alive.
And Elle Fanning has many years to grow her craft beyond this. So she'll be fine.
I'm waiting for that apology.
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