Thoughts On Turning 40

So today is my 40th birthday.

As my somewhat boyfriend would say, I'm now
"Fourrrteay!"

He's a total asshole, but I kind of love him.

I started out the day by getting out of bed one minute before my alarm, getting ridiculously dolled up for work (if you haven't figured it out, I'm very femme) and forgetting 90% of what I needed to do to get the Wildflower Child ready for school. I'd blame the forgetfullness on old age, but I'm not really that old. I had a rather uneventful day at work although as people found out it was my birthday, the well wishes poured in and it was quite sweet actually. Facebook exploded with Happy Birthday's, as it tends to do. Even my pseudo-uncle tried to call the house to wish me happy birthday this evening. Most pathetically, my ex-husband wished me a good day on Facebook. I ignored it.

Notably missing in all this birthday love...

My mother.

I had contacted her last week to see if she had ever in fact received a card I had sent her with pictures of her grandaughter. She had, but hadn't thought to say anything. And she did comment on my impending "milestone" and that she'd be thinking of me on the actual day.

Apparently not.

One thing I've learned as I've grown older, is not to expect a tiger to change her stripes. My mother has matured and become more responsible, but she won't ever think of me primarily. And my sister (four years younger) goes up to see her all the time and is planning on moving into the house with her family soon. So she gets priority. As in, my sister was there with my mother for her birthday and got the Facebook acknowledgement and everything. I didn't even get a note. Even though I'm the one that took care of everyone for years.

I'm not really surprised.

As for the reality of being 40...

I'm living with my parents. Working part-time. Have a child in kindegarten. Am dating a man who obviously cares for me in his way, and is terrified of committing. Am open and able to fool around with others if I want to. And have abso-fucking-lutely NO IDEA what I'm doing with the next stage of my life. Other than I have a lot of tattooing to do.

However...

I'm not living with an abusive partner. I don't have crippling headaches every single day. I look pretty damn good. I'm going away in less than a month for a week in Wildwood NJ. And I have the world's best dog. Also my kid is awesome.

But it still hurts that my mother forgot my birthday.