Happy holidays.
Now go away.
The holidays, starting around the time people are reserving their big fat growth hormone supplemented dead birds for Thanksgiving and running right through the New Year, is a time of major conflict for me. Has been since I was 11-years-old on winter break and threatened my stepfather that if he ever went after my mother or siblings again I would kill him, so he better kill me first of he wasn't going to stop.
He told me to calm down.
He kept beating my mother and molesting me and abusing my siblings for the next four years. My brother is spending his 28th birthday in jail as a long result of his father's abuse.
I wish that 27 years later my stomach didn't tie itself in knots when I hear Christmas music, or that my head didn't pound to the beat of flickering lights, but that's what happens.
But I want to be happy and warm and giving. I want the Wildflower Child to have wonderful holidays of good cheer and lovely memories. And more often then not I end up sobbing in a corner terrified that everything is terrible and ruined and I'm a horrible person.
My husband must have his own issues because every year it is like he has no idea that this is what I go through. Maybe he thinks I should be all better and over it. Heaven knows most of the time I think I am, but there is so much fucking pressure during the holidays that I feel like my skin will crack and I'll explode.
Tonight there were combs missing from the bathroom that I needed to comb Wildflower Child's hair. She says she used them to "brush Daddy's daddy's hair" and that she gave him one of the combs to take home. I became very angry. Which is stupid, they are fucking plastic combs. But since the husband didn't know any of this, it means he let her be with his father alone, even though I had expressly said not to do that as they were getting together while I was at work. I don't trust his father and based on what I've experienced and what Hubby has told me, I have no reason to, but he left them alone. My heart rate still hasn't slowed down to normal.
I have to get up in less than five hours to drive him to work and take her to my parents'.
Happy holidays.
No comments:
Post a Comment