Stress, Vanity and Self-Doubt

I've been writing blog posts in my head for a while now, but none have actually made it to the computer, which really doesn't help anyone does it?

As you know from my last link, I'm trying to become a Gnar Hoops sponsored hooper. I know I'm very early in my hoop journey, but truly feel like with the help of a dedicated and fantastic company behind me, I can really increases my skill and influence in my own little corner of the world.

I am also applying for a promotion at my "day job" of telemarketer. And I'm being interviewed at 9pm tonight for said job.

I'm ridiculously nervous about this. Like can't sleep, can't think, totally want this position, nervous. I feel like I might be passed over purely because there have been whispers of my manager showing me favoritism. Which is total bullshit. I have to make the same goals, work the same hours and use the same guidelines as everyone else. He respects me. Because I respect him, and the job and the company. I am grateful for my stupid job as a telemarketer because I have a job! In the mean time I've also picked up four extra hours a week doing said job.

And while all that is going on, I'm having to drive my husband to and from work while his license is suspended for the previous DUI arrest this summer. So I'm getting up at 5am every morning, piling all three of us (Wildflower Child can't stay home alone) into the car and driving him to work, then taking her and I to my parents' house because it is closer than coming home, spending the day there and then coming back through to pick him up and come home and then go to my job.

Needless to say, I'm tired.

I would LOVE to be on cam these nights. This is a great time to be modeling. I just don't have the time or the energy! And the Husband keeps staying up late so I can't even get ready and go online for an hour or two because he's awake and out of respect I don't do that until after he's asleep. Which is really frustrating. Because if he would be more supportive, he might get more action. Consider a positive experience cam modeling with the promise of a nice check as a great way to "prime the pump" in the sexy times department.

This pump be dry.

Also I have a cold.

I am the biggest wuss in the world with a cold. I hate them. With a fiery passion born of the depths of hell.

Kill me.

There is too much on my plate.

I need a vacation.

And I'm completely convinced I'm not going to get either the promotion or the sponsorship so I'm trying to not be too excited about either.

And then I get ready for work and think, "wow I have an involved 'beauty regimin." I don't think I'm all that attractive, but damn don't I fight hard to make the best of what I do have.

I'm a complete makeup addict. But since I try to only buy cruelty free products, and I'm cheap, most of my cosmetics are things I can get at Target. Like elf and Physicians Formula brands. I used to layer on tons of makeup in college and try for that "completely totally flawless mask" look, but that's beyond me now. For a while I was getting away with coconut oil as moisturizer, some foundation powder, and my eyes done however I wanted them. I rarely wear lipstick (most specifically lip stains). But since I've been so tired and dehydrated and now viral...I'm going all out. I'm talking concealer, BB cream, powder, eye highlighter, shadow, liner, mascara, blush, powder.

What the fuck?

And at night I "wash" it all off with more coconut oil and hot water. And then treat blemishes with tea tree oil and moisturize for the night with grapeseed oil.

And for the first three minutes after washing my face, I look better than I did all day. That's so fucking frustrating.

So anyway, here's to being interviewed when I'm exhausted and full of snot. Trying to make the best of a crumbling facade. And not nearly enough sleep.

Kill me.