Attention

I don't know what to say about the crash and burn of my health, emotions, sex drive, and stability that was the last several months. Obviously there were some terrible medication issues, as well as an increase in the triggers for my migraines and personal financial stress that just collided in a way that swept the foundation right out from under me.

Around the same time that I was physically starting to have issues, people I met through the cam modeling and had become close to, started to disappear. Some for various lengths of time, and I understand life gets in the way of having internet encounters, and some permanently. I have of course made new connections in the ensuing time, which makes me wonder sometimes what someone must be thinking to meet me in the midst of my effectively brain damaged and perpetually confused state and still want to get to know me. That is pretty special. That these people, who start out as complete strangers who, come on, are surfing around a sex site, stumble on to me and something clicks. They make the effort, through words on a screen, to convey caring, compassion, yes attraction, but more than that, an appreciation of what they see beneath my tattooed and pierced and scarred flesh. That is a gift. A very important part of why I continue to try and get back into working almost every night on the cam site.

It may seem like I'm just addicted to the attention. And yes, my personal sexual fantasies lean toward the "being worshipped" or "being the center of the scene" type scenarios, but I believe that my attraction to what these people give me is more about healing than sex. More about soothing old wounds and building new emotional pathways than just being a narcissist.

First of all, I truly have always believed that monogamy isn't all it is cracked up to be. Yes, I've been faithfully monogamous to my husband since 1997. Do I think this is a natural state? Not really. I've always felt like human beings have so many facets to our personalities that one person, no matter how seemingly perfect, can satisfy everything we want from interpersonal relationships. Not just sexually, but intellectually and emotionally as well. I'm blessed to have a best friend who has many of the same likes and dislikes that I do, so I have someone with whom to talk movies and music when my husband has turned off my Pandora station and scoffed at my love of werewolf movies. But I have a lot of interests, and issues.

If you've read some of my more brutally honest previous posts, you know that I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, college rape and generally being taken advantage of. So it is both a bit surprising, and terrifyingly stereotypical that I am now a sex worker. Why would I put myself in a position to be abused, even via text or verbally if they use sound or phone when I have worked so hard to get passed those experiences? Because I have been treated amazingly by some people who for whatever reason were surfing a cam site, and found me, and started to care.

I'm not looking to steal anyone's boyfriend or husband. I'm not looking to replace my husband (most of the time). But to be given this gift of kindness (and of course financial gifts as well), and appreciation... By men who obviously have sex on the brain but don't just devolve into brutish behavior just because they are horny? This proves that abuse is not the default behavior. That I can be treated with dignity and respect, even when naked and writhing, or sitting in lingerie and impossible heels, that I don't automatically have to suffer because I'm a woman, or a cam model or a sex worker, or not physically "perfect" or particularly young.

Also getting paid to have orgasms, who wouldn't want that job? (Of course it doesn't always work out that way, but a woman can dream can't I?)

Clawing my way back...

Still trying to get my mojo back. This has been a long hard Spring for sure. I've been on crazy medication, had chronic headaches, been completely exhausted and generally felt completely uninterested in pretty much everything.

I'm trying to balance being a good mother, partner, and friend and figure out how to increase my earnings on the cam site and my lead numbers as a telemarketer. And honestly, I have no idea how to do this.

If you have any suggestions on how to juggle everyone's feelings and make myself more alluring to the cam members and make people I talk to on the phone immediately go for our offer, let me know. Because I'm out of ideas.

Coming back to myself

I'm almost weaned off of Topamax, my first attempt at a daily treatment for the migraine part of my combination headache syndrome. If you've read my previous posts, you know it really didn't work. Not only didn't it work, it made me very ill, mentally confused and has caused some transitory tachycardia as I wean off. I'm very much looking forward to being free of this poison. In the mean time I've been taking 3mg of immediate release melatonin between 10 and 11pm every night for a week and I'm feeling a world better. Still some headaches, but still, so much better.

I'm trying to regain my mojo on the cam as I get back to myself. I've lost members for various reasons over the last few months. Dumped for his wife, busted by girlfiend, busted by wife, working crazy hours, simply disappeared... I've made new friends online, some willing to just keep me company, which is always appreciated, some which I hope will be generous in other ways. I tend to shortchange myself if I'm not careful. I have to remember that ultimately, I do need material gain... Besides, that adds some spice. Doesn't it?

That being said, I'm probably not working tonight. For some reason Friday and Saturday nights tend to be awkward anyway, but with my health so iffy I should just relax and gorge on sexy Canadian television.

I've just discovered "Lost Girl" on Netflix and it makes me happy...

How to fix what isn't necessarily wrong?

"So does this pay this bills or is just for fun?"

"How much do you make doing this bb?"

"Do you make the big bucks bb?"

"You must make mega cash with that banging bod mama!" (My personal favorite.)

If you haven't already gathered, those were not so thinly veiled guesses by members at the cam site at how much money I make modeling. I'm pretty honest. "Not much." For instance, last night I made $1.56. Well actually considering I had to turn the house heat on, my space heater on, two lamps on, use the internet, my radio, a computer, the lights in the bathroom while I was getting ready, the energy I used making coffee...

I probably lost money last night.

But at least I made the effort right?

Damn work ethic.

That's the same work ethic that drove me to go into my telemarketing gig Friday night even though I was a mess. Should have known the migraine was going to hit any minute and called out. Instead I went in and ended up running out about an hour and half later and losing most of my weekend to an unrepentant headache. Awesome.

What confuses me though, is these men are so effusive in there appreciation and assurance that I must be a big earner and doing a wonderful job, and then they never take me private.

What the hell?

Mixed messages much?

I've asked my "regulars" on more than one occasion what it is that I am doing "wrong. " No one can put their finger on anything I should do or not do to get more private sessions. It seems to simply be luck of the draw.

So tonight I will paint my finger and toe nails, wear stockings and garter belt and maybe even a corset and a come hither gaze and hope a make a ton of money.

Wish me luck.

Cloudy with a chance of headache

I have desperately wanted to write a blog lately, but have not been able to, for a number of reasons. As I previously mentioned, I have started anti-convulsive medication for my chronic migraines and it has focusing and forming coherent thoughts difficult, sometimes close to impossible. I am doing better, but it is still a struggle and my emotional state is a bit fragile as well. 

My modeling this week was a bust too. I could barely focus, didn't feel sexy, one night I felt completely ill and had to sign off before something horrible happened. I'm hoping that the side effects abate as I get used to the medication and that the end result is worth the adjustment period. I'm still having headaches. Even have had migraines since starting the medication. The goal is to lessen the frequency and severity. 

In the mean time I have made some new friends, had a lot of nice chats. Even been promised a Norman Reedus autograph. And have discussed the appropriate time and place to use the term "slut." 

Only with humor and respect. And permission.

Never derogatorily. Ever. 

I'm hoping that I can get myself together and get online tonight, but I think that is going to require a nap, and a fuck ton of caffeine later. It would be nice if soon I can become my more eloquent and literate self again. I miss me, but I don't want to keep the pain around. I'm not a big fan of pain.

Trying to focus

I actually feel guilty when I don't post a new blog in a reasonable amount of time even though I think only four people ready this. If that.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I've been having serious problems with migraines and other headaches lately. So much so that I lost essentially an entire week of my life last month. So I finally did the adult thing and went to the doctor.

For the first time since my daughter was 6-weeks-old.

I've been diagnosed with combination headaches. Meaning if I don't have a migraine, I have a tension headache. If I don't have a tension headache, I have a migraine. If I don't have either, look up, there are probably pigs flying overhead.

So I left that doctor's appointment with three prescriptions. One is for an anti-convulsive medication, one is for an anti-hystamine that also causes anxiety relief and sedation and some pain relief and one is for something that "resets the brain."

Yay.

I started the anti-convulsive medication two nights ago. I haven't been brave enough to use the other medications even when I had a headache yesterday. Apparently they can knock me out for quite a while so I need to have someone else here in case I pass out. I should not have driven to work yesterday. I was stoned out of my mind. I took last night off of cam modeling to try and get some sleep.

Today I feel like there are butterflies in my brain and I am having an optical migraine.

I want to do thirty things at once (none of them are useful) and everything looks wavy and shiny.

Awesome!

But I do feel a little less stoned and that might be a very good sign.

I'm hoping I have the weight loss side-effect from the medication. That would be fantastic.

Almost 20 years, and counting

In the early fall of 1993 I was at college in the way north of New York State. I had just started really partying and my dorm next door neighbor had brought me to a party full of upper classmen and alcohol. It was awesome.

Then, there was that inevitable moment when I thought, "oh god, where's the bathroom?" I headed down the short hallway to a door guarded by two almost identical uptiight sorority bitches who literally put their arms out and blocked my passage to the bathroom. "You can't go in there! T is in there!"

I looked down at the very clean, very sparkly, very expensive looking high heels they were wearing and said, "unless you want me to puke on your shoes, I'm going in." They backed up fast.

The bathroom was standard college fair, two stalls, two sinks, long mirror, unflattering light. What I didn't know was I was going to meet the most consistently important person in my life in that room.

He was leaning up against the edge of the sink trying to explain to some hapless freshman (I was of course a quite confident freshman, sure...) how to get blood out of his shirt. Taller than me (like the vast majority of humanity, and even some dogs), blonde, gentle eyes, being so kind to this other kid... I spent the rest of the party pretty much in that bathroom with C. And he has been my best friend ever since.

I would not have survived college without C, and he says that was mutual. We shared classes, secrets, drunken confessions, boys, sometimes even clothes. We cast each other in performances and writings, we took day trips and went to the strangest gay bar in the North Country. We both had illegal pet cats in our dorms at one time or another. We made out publicly and often, danced and dreamed, cried and cackled and loved fiercely. We talked about growing old together when we couldn't find partners and wondered how many cats makes you a "crazy cat person." We were inseperable.

Then we graduated.

In a big way the intellectual part of my life stopped when I left college. I had my double major in English Writing and Speech & Theatre and no plans. I was married a bit over a year later and have really focused on surviving in the intervening years. There hasn't been time or money and my passions got worn down by stress and strife and heartache. For years C and I were out of touch while he went on and got his Masters and started teaching and I did whatever job I could to pay the bills; bartender, model, secretary, marketing manager/ad specialties procurement, receptionist, veterinary technician, telemarketer, pet sitter, cam model...

Facebook reconnected us. And it was like there was no pause, no lost time. We picked up where we left off, and for me at least, the love and connection was just as strong, just as vibrant. I cannot see a life worth living without my friend C.

Last night we chatted on facebook for four hours, until 3:00am, about anything and everything. Boys, sex, college, tv, movies, Doctor Who, cat puke, dog puke, boys, sex toys, laundry, boys...

We have been friends, best friends, for almost 20 years. It is worth giving up almost an entire night of sleep to have someone like that in your life.